***
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the
dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at
you?
***
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose... it's how drunk you get.
***
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never
try.
***
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
***
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What
about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical
animal.
***
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or
a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
***
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something
old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how
to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
***
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain
cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds
and TV... is.
***
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
***
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I
love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
***
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step
step...slam)
***
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's
get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
***
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a
picture?
***
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good,
and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
***
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
***
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced
against all races.
***
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
***
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought
it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it
was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
***
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
***
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
***
Homer (looking up at the living room ceiling): "God, why do you mock
me?"
Marge : "That's not God, that's a waffle that Bart threw on the
ceiling."
Homer (eats waffle): "Mmmm...Sacrelicious!"
***
"You don't know what its like, I'm the one out there everyday putting
his ass on the line, and I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The
whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the Truth? You want the
TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Because when you reach over and put
your hand into a pile of goo, that was your best friend's face, you
don't know what to do! FORGET IT MARGE! ITS CHINATOWN!"
***
"You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not
1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?"
***
"AHHH. Donuts. . . What can't they do?"
***
Mr. Burns : "Stop doddling Simpson, use an open faced club. A sand
wedge."
Homer : "Mmmm, open faced club sand wedge."
***
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
***
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I
present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead,
please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch
munch munch).
***
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here
anyway.
***
"Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the
basement."
***
When Lisa is reading the list of things Homer wants his group to
accomplish:
Lisa : "... World domination???!!!"
Homer : "Oops! That must be a mistake."
Brain to Homer : "Mental note -- the girl knows too much."
***
Homer (to brain): "Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret."
Homer : "Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom."
Marge : "Oh, my gosh!"
Brain : "No, the other secret."
Homer : "Marge, I never passed high school."
Marge : "That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it
does."
Homer goes on to explain that he never passed Science 101.
Marge : "But, Homer! You're a Nuclear Technician."
Homer : "Marge! Icksnay on the Uclearnay EchnicianTay."
Marge : "What did you say?"
Homer : "I don't know. I flunked Latin, too."
***
A poem by Homer :
"When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased
With a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen"
***
Homer : "No TV and no beer make Homer something, something."
Marge : "Go crazy?"
Homer : "DON'T MIND IF I DO! WHARGHLULULU WHUR LALULUBRGLUBLU HAHUHAHU
WOODWOOD HALULAOGH!"
Marge : "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
***
Homer : (to postal employee) Hello, my name's Mr. Burns. I believe you
have a package for me.
Postal Employee : Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name ?
Homer: "I don't know..."
***
Homer : Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)...
63 (munch munch munch) (cut to much later) Homer : 2... (munch munch
munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge : Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer : I think I'm blind.
***
Homer : Eow.. pointy.. Ew... Slimy.. Awww... 20 dollars !? I wanted a
peanut.
Homer's brain : 20 dollars can buy many peanuts !
Homer : Explain how.
Homer's brain : Money can be exchanged for goods and services !
Homer : Woo hoo!
***
Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college) : (Singing) I am
so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
***
"Marge, Marge the doll tried to kill me and the toaster's been laughin'
at me"