my therapist just called.
"how are you?"
"i can't get out of bed."
"you literally can't get out of bed?"
"not before noon."
"what do you do when you get up? have you been eating, writing, talking to you friends?"
"i dont' really know if i've been eating. i've been writing a lot. i havent' really been talking to anyone about it."
"pam reeves and i exchanged voice messages and she told me that if you wanted to take a medical withdrawal it would be no problem, but she didn't know where to send you to get the forms. can you do that?"
"i dunno. i think so."
"have you been working?"
"i put in my 2 weeks and didn't show up for my shift on friday."
"do you want to work? are you going to work this week?"
"i need money, so i guess so."
"what do you need me to do?"
"i dunno."
"do you want to leave?"
"yeah, my parents are coming to pick me up this weekend."
"good! good, you're making plans, etc etc. i think it will be good for you to be in a more comfortable environment, etc etc."
"can you meet with me tomorrow at 6:30?"
"yes."
"ok. take care of yourself."
during this exchange, sanam handed me a cigarette, which made me start crying.
when she mentioned being in a more comfortable environment, i thought of talking with esp last night and how she was so excited i was coming back because she seriously needed someone to talk to about her current boy situation. rather, she needed someone to punch her every time she thought of him. i told her i would punch her every time she thought of breaking up with him, because she's being silly.
BLARGH! no more pot smoking for me. i don't need to sleep anymore. i need to think some. even if thinking means feeling like this.
so. fucking. depressed. i accidently bought waterproof mascara a few weeks ago. maybe it was a premonition. as much as i want someone to hug me and tell me i'm alright, life's going to be alright, i'll figure it out eventually, that would just make me break down completely. but maybe that's what i need.
nowhere to go but up. why is that never comforting at all?