An Exercise in Astrology: Email to Joanna
01 May 2009 at 4:45 pm
When it is appropriate or remarkable, Joanna and I email each other our horoscopes and comment on how valid they are:
Capricorn Daily Horoscope:
You could be so attached to certain emotions, memories, or relationships from your past that they could cause a problem in your present relationships. Your emotions will be intense but not very stable today which could lead to difficulties and undesired changes in your current associations and romantic relationships.
This is manifesting itself very specifically in both of our lives, I think.
So.........[the boy]. I don't have a picture of him, but I'll try to get one. Just picture some tall, lanky semi-nerdy looking guy with glasses and a stupid military haircut. And then take the glasses off and muss up his hair and suddenly he's crazyhot.
Somebody asked me about "the boy," as I'm calling him. The only way to describe him is that he makes me really, really happy, which is no way to describe a person, just in terms of how they affect you and not who they actually are beyond that. And I knew this before, but I really realized that don't know him that well. I mean, I'm just used to caring for people that I know everything about, you know? And I totally have feelings for him, but I don't know why -- it's kind of fun, just filling in the blanks, and everything just kind of makes sense, the more I learn about him, and I'm enjoying the process, but I also don't trust him. At all. Which isn't his fault, which is where the horoscope comes in--I mean, I've forgiven myself and others for the past, but I still don't want to make the same mistakes, you know? And that makes me extremely cautious, but so far, it's completely different, as it should be.
He makes me feel totally secure--texts me every day when he says he's going to, but gives me space because he knows I want to go slowly (emotionally, not sexually; that's just unnecessary torture), and he tells me every time we see each other how much he likes me and how pretty I am, all the girly shit you don't want to want to hear but it still sounds nice, and he makes it clear what he wants, when I'm ready to give it.
So I'm trying to be open, and that's what I've been spending my free time doing. Last night I went for a run at 11pm, 4 miles to the beach and back, and just stared at the ocean listening to the pelicans on this perfect evening, with the moon grinning at me and the stars totally visible, no one else around, almost no tide, and I was just like, I can do this. I can trust another person because I know I can take care of myself even if he lets me down, especially if he lets me down.
[SFSam] is coming into town this weekend and I want her to meet him. She's always really honest with me about this stuff. I've kind of been waiting for somebody's permission to really fall for him, which is kind of ridiculous, but if there's one thing I learned from Aaron, it's that if my friends and family can't stand a guy, I need to get away from him.
You can't blame J. for sleeping with somebody else. He didn't do anything wrong. But it was totally reasonable to ask, from a health perspective if nothing else, if he had. But Jo, the fact that he got ANGRY with you for asking really demonstrates that you guys aren't meant to be together. Rather than justifying his actions rationally, logically, and calmly, as you do, he immediately got passionately defensive.
It's not an issue of love or need or desire. The reason you broke up is because you know, deeper than the hurt and loneliness, that there is someone out there who will take you to the next level of your life, and that someone is not J. You have to leave yourself open to meeting that person, and the only way to do that is to give up the love you have for J. He'll make you unbelievably happy for a little while. And then you'll go through the same situation all over again. You'll be just putting off the inevitable, and you guys have this crazy chemistry, so I don't know if you can really be a part of each other's lives at all, or at least not for a very long time.
It's impossibly hard. I'm here whenever you need me.
And yeah, I did move. Like, 8 months ago.
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