depressing: i used to think that my brother had potential but sucked in school because of unadulterated apathy. this may have been true at some point, but drugs have fucked with my brother's head and, yes, made him dumber. he still has it in him, he just needs to STOP SMOKING SO MUCH. he got a D on a paper he worked really hard on because it was on a story he particularly enjoyed, and that sort of shit kills me. i can't help the world, but i can help him. we spent an hour last night analyzing cat on a hot tin roof, which, really, couldn't have been any more appropriate.
cutting is an addiction. so is smoking. i still have twinges for the former (like yesterday, during the Worst Lunchbreak Ever) and have no desire to quit the latter because i know i would just return to old habits. they're pretty much the same thing: both can kill you (one mentally and one physically), both are about denial and depression, both provide outlets. i guess that's all true of any addiction. in any event, I Smoke, Therefore, I Don't Cut. it might be that someday i won't need anything besides Life As It Is, but that day is not today. tomorrow isn't looking too good either.
l and a and aaron and i are going to get dressed up all fancy-like and go out to dinner tonight. whatever shall i wear? o, how this life plagues me so.