sad...interminably...sigh...large fight with mom, finale-ing with me walking out of the house, into my car, and driving away.
i tried calling katie several times, to no avail. esp is not home and not at matt's. joanna is in san francisco. i have no where else to go...the people who i thought would always be there for me, well, aren't. it's not a pissy thing, it's kind of ironic, but not really. Ironic is an overused word that fills any blank space where there's supposed to be feeling, but there isn't. Something like that. I'm so full of bullshit right now.
So I drove around for an hour, ended up at B&N, and bought 1984 and David Copperfield. I wanted to go someplace quiet and read them, but there's no place quiet to read where there's enough light and where I don't feel like a dipshit for reading somewhere alone. You'd think I could do that in, well, a bookstore but I can't. There needs to exist a cafe where it's required that you are alone to go there. They'll have distinctly solitary seats where you can't see or hear anyone else, and you can cuddle up with a book and sit and mope.
I just looked at the calendar and my mom and brother are leaving for a week for matt's test the second week of june. I am living for that week.
I thought of something relatively important to type and out of my head it flew. Joanna just called long-distance, which was extraordinarily nice.a
I don't want to eat anymore. But it's all I have left. I feel Fat and Ugly and not quite as amazing and brilliant as I usually think I am.
Paris When It Sizzles with Audrey Hepburn is on, and it seems wonderful.
I need serendipity. That sounds marvelous...they should make a drug called serendipity. Or at least a refreshing soft drink.
"I'm nobody and I've done everything and nothing." -- PWIS
Joanna said on her diary that thoughts control emotions. I've been considering this a lot...I don't think it's that thoughts control emotions, I think they influence them. If thoughts controlled emotions, thinking about all the happy times in my life would be enough to make me feel less shitty and more serendipitous. It's a combination of circumstances and thoughts that effect emotions.
"Mr. Benson...I'd hate to say it, but I'm not that type of a girl. Oooh, I hate it when girls say that. Oh, maybe I am that type of a girl." -pwis