03 January 2012 at 3:36 pm

In 2011, I was in love.

I trekked forty-five minutes for the best cappuccino in Rome.

I waved at Mona Lisa in Paris.

I smoked in the streets of San Francisco.

I smuggled pot lozenges into London.

I had my feet massaged in a Chinese massage parlor in New York.

I cursed at the traffic in Los Angeles.

I moved from my own lovely studio on the Westside to cohabitate on the Mesa.

I moved from the Mesa to buy my first home in Santa Barbara.

All with a wonderful, challenging, patient, exacting, intelligent, ambitious, thoughtful, loving man.

I cried horrifically when I didn't have enough space and when I had too little affection.

I laughed ecstatically when we swam together in the Pacific and ran through rainy Parisian streets.

I read so many books - Jhumpa Lahiri and Roger Ebert and Margaret Atwood and David Foster Wallace. Joan Didion and George R.R. Martin, T.C. Boyle and Cormac McCarthy.

There was only one book I reread, every time I was on a plane: Bad Marie by Marcy Dermansky.

I didn't write very much.

I became a teacher, was offered money for one of my passions.

I found my padmasana.

I lost degrees of friendship.

I fell into a long-distance relationship.

I descended into myself.

Now I am seeking help to pull myself out. I don't want to be scared of relying on other people. I don't want to feel exhausted at the thought of holding a conversation. I don't want to have to think so much that I take substances that stop the thought process.

I want to trust myself, and therefore others.

I want to support myself doing the things I write about here.

I don't know if I want to take a more proactive role in my life. I tend to be better served by the opportunities offered to me. But I want to act on my intuition less hesitantly.

More than anything else, I suppose, I don't want to be scared of myself anymore.


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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.