23 October 2010 at 4:42 pm
So we're sitting in his car in his garage, and, with exactly two tears rolling down my face, I say I need to be alone.
He jumps out and says he'll help me with my stuff.
I slowly enter his place, and he's got my KitchenAid mixer and food processor set near the door, and I immediately burst into tears and go upstairs and find him in the bathroom taking my things out of my designated drawer.
"Please," I say, "Please, wait," and burst into sobs and he holds me while I cry hysterically. After several minutes, I start to calm down, and he says gently, "Let's get your stuff," and I whimper, "No," and burst into tears again. He says, gently, "This is what you want," and I'm frantic as I try to explain, "No, no, I'm scared, I reject the love because it's unknown, and I'm used to the pain, so I choose the pain, but I don't want to, I've been down that path before, and I want to see where this goes, and I just don't know what's ahead of me, so I'm scared, I'm terrified, but I want to do this, with you. I love you."
It works. I catch sight of myself in the mirror and my expression changes immediately, from vulnerable to calculated. The verbal manipulation worked. Was it true? I don't know. It was pure. I didn't think, I just spoke, quickly and desperately. And then I caught my own eye, and my gaze hardened, and I thought: you are still in control.
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