When the whole boy thing happened forever ago (doesn't matter which boy), S and I took a walk on the beach while I ranted and raved and she said something along the lines of (paraphrasing): "Fuck him, you're a pretty girl, you'll find somebody else." I calmed down, sighed deeply, and said, "It's going to be a long time."
After these last few debacles, I invested in reinforced detailing and 24 hour security surveillance on all things emotional. I'm just kind of over it, this whole dating thing that I didn't actually do. As Joanna says, a vibe is a vibe and I'm not going to force something. The loneliness is comforting when the other option is shame. It's more than a little fucked up that that's immediately the place I go when I start thinking about boys in any capacity: dread, regret, shame. What a miserable existence I lead! No wonder I'm going into law. Who needs companionship when you have the $100,000 ability to manipulate?
I don't need people the same way my mom doesn't need people, the way it seems like everybody else always needs somebody. I have my amazing friends, Esp, Joanna, Michelle, Katie, Slegg, Matt, the people around whom I am completely comfortable, upon whom I can call when I need it to be ok to be batshit insane or achingly normal. From there, I have my up-for-anything friends, my errand friends, my outdoor friends, my superficial friends, the dependable friends, the spontaneous friends, the ones who will let me whine and the ones who won't. The only friend I don't have that I could probably use is a friend with benefits, but that's hard to find, so I spent $100 on a vibrator instead.