All repeats, all the time! Sorry, the last month has been intense and I forgot how much I already wrote about it.
The thing about my life is, all I ever wanted is to do whatever it is what I want. The problem with my life right now is that, given that I am young and reckless and still somehow able to get away with doing whatever it is I want, I don�t know what I want. Eat nothing but sugar for two months? Check. Dye hair black and green? Done and done. Listen to (cringe) Lily Allen at top volume? A daily occurrence. Buy several pairs of shoes a month? They dominate every corner closet, bedroom, backyard, living room, car (at least four pairs in there that I can think of). (That one's getting to be a little out of control.) And the substance abuse, my god, the substance abuse!
The resulting lifestyle is such that I am inclined to desire that which is desired by those around me. That is why I end up with boys who are more attracted to me than I ever will be to them; part of it is that I mask my deficiency of self-esteem with supreme narcissism, and there is nothing more flattering than someone who wants to sleep with me.
I�m sitting in LAX, and I have a fantastic week behind me. That is another problem with my life; I have accomplished enough, not on paper, but personally, and there is not a lot that I am afraid of. Spiders, but that�s different. I don�t like to put people out. I am scared to ask for help, which is a little bizarre and translates to every aspect of my life. Even now, I want to go inquire about an upgrade, but I don�t really know how it works and the process will require what, in my opinion, an explanation that should be unnecessary and I might be embarrassed. I live my life to avoid being embarrassed, which is why I drink a lot. Any excuse to do whatever I want, and if it doesn�t work out, I say, �Wait, was I drunk?� And everyone laughs.
That�s another thing, I�m fucking hilarious. I�m witty and clever and I have an edgy sense of humor. It�s one of my favorite things about myself. I'm finally getting my patented sense of humor back, walking past people and murmuring one liners and walking away while they burst out laughing. My brother and I developed this skill together.
Tahoe was great fun I love skiing, and it is something I am extraordinarily good at. It should be, being that I have been getting down a mountain on two fiberglass stick since I could cross a room on two legs without assistance.
I worked on Tuesday.
Why? Why would I possibly give up this lifestyle that allows me the luxury of not worrying about money and still being able to do whatever the fuck I want? I am living exactly the life I want to lead. It�s everything I ever wanted for myself. I have until I�m 25, which is when I�m off my mom�s health insurance. Also, I�ve said repeatedly that I hoped I never make it past 25 because it�s all downhill from there, biologically speaking and societally speaking. And I won�t make it past 25. I�ll go and live life the way I�m supposed to, going to grad school, making gobs of money, getting married and having kids. Until then, I am doing whatever the fuck I want and getting away with it. I�d feel bad if I didn�t realize that everyone has a choice. No one has any excuse to feel trapped.
Wednesday, I took off for LA to drop Damien off. He made it safely. Geo and I wanted to have one last adventure, one of our random nights, one of my �and now this is happening� nights, but it was forced and it just didn�t happen, which was okay because I�d been crying all day anyway.
We spent Thursday at the Getty, which was just, amazing. To experience something like that with someone like Geo, who is an artist through and through, like I�m a writer through and through, is really an experience. She showed me secrets; we had an amazing lunch; we napped in the sun; we took pictures (forthcoming) with the self-timer on her camera; we laughed; I cried; and when all was said and done, after she dropped me off at home, after I got ready for work and she took a nap and prepared to head back to LA, after we said our goodbyes (she is moving back to San Francisco now that�s she�s all graduated)�after everything these past six months, it�s over and I am free. Really, truly free. No boyfriend, no dog, no emotional baggage, no wishing or hoping or cringing or regretting. Unadulterated freedom. I haven�t felt this way since I dropped out of college and set forth in my little Tercel for the unknown land of Seattle.
I have nothing to lose. It�s a long way to rock bottom, but it�s worth the fall.