Here are some tids and some bits from little ditties I kept stored in my gmail drafts for no reason other than that they weren't fully fleshed entries. They are from before November at least, so I can barely remember what point I was so inclined to make that I left a quick note to myself to remind me. Some of these might be reposts, but who's paying attention? Certainly not me!
*****
I don't know what's wrong with me, that I can't just have a normal conversation with a perfect stranger without having them apologizing to me for absolutely nothing at all. It's inadvertent manipulation; absolutely no thought goes into these trite little discussions, we're just talking and all of a sudden, the other person is apologizing out of nowhere. It happens far more often than it should, and it would be one thing if I were consciously putting myself in that position of power, that the other person feels they have done something wrong when we were just talking about, like, Belgian beer or something, but the fact that it comes so naturally that I can't help it even when I tell myself to be nice...well, that's why I'm not a very good person right now.
*****
HERE IS MY PROBLEM: I wanted a lot of things when I was young, and I worked hard, and then I got them. Sports teams, boarding school, good grades, etc. Then, everything I worked for was taken away from me through no fault of my own. My solution? I've just stopped wanting anything.
******
Something you have to get used to when you live alone: killing your own spiders. Did you know I suffer severely from arachnophobia? Because I do. I had a bit of a panic attack at work tonight when a spider decided to make it's killing station near where I have to turn out the lights. I have many stories, actually, about the significance of spiders in my life, but they all pretty much relate to the fact that spiders are fucking gross.
The thing of it is, spiders are totally my spirit arachnid, if you believe in that sort of thing, which I don't, unless it's convenient, in which case I'll give it the benefit of a doubt. Every good decision I've made, I've had a traumatizing experience with a spider beforehand. The summer before I moved to Seattle? Stalked by a spider the size of my hand. The giant spider in the work bathroom it took my boss minutes to dispose of? Got a raise the following week. Okay, actually, those are the only experiences that come to mind specifically, but let's read a bit more into this than necessary, for narrative purposes: spiders, for me, are a sign of good things to come. But that might be the whole "bird shitting on you is good luck" phenomenon, because (and I say this having been shat upon by a bird, and, man, is THAT a great story), folks? There is nothing worse than being shat upon, so literally, you could get run over by a truck and it would be good luck because it's better than something dispelling the things its body does not need onto you.
So today, I get home from work at 3am and go into the bathroom to take off my makeup and change into my tighty whitey nightie. I notice a spider out of the corner of my eye--I have a sense for these things--and sure enough, on the ceiling is a little creepy crawly that would take way more effort to kill (would have to get chair, get on chair, get up nerve to touch spider with something to kill it, etc) than I felt like at that exact point in time. And, you know, you leave these things alone, they will leave you alone. Except this guy had a fucking death wish, he was genuinely suicidal, as he descended upon me while I removed my left eye's makeup as my right eye kept an ... eye ... on him. Down he came, desperate for escape, perhaps literal, but I prefer to think of him doing one last freefall before his inevitable death. It gives his little life more meaning than just..."BREATHE. WEAVE. KILL! KILL! KILL!"
He died at the mercy of my makeup removing cloth. At least he was clean so he can get into Jewish heaven, if you believe in that sort of thing, which I don't, unless it's convenient, in which case I totally do. Here's lookin at you, God/god/gods/Abraham!
******
This dream I had last night of you was so perfect. You gave me a chance to explain, and to tell you how much you hurt me, to see the look on your face when you realized it hurts to hurt somebody.. I woke up smiling, literally, so thrilled to have some closure. That dream is the closest I will ever get, but it was real enough.