I Could Have Been One Of These Things First
18 December 2007 at 8:39 pm

Did I mention the conversation with Aaron yet? We finally had the, "It's ok for you to date other people and I just want you to be happy" talk. I mean, I'd said that to him before, but he said it to me. That he understand why we broke up, that we were way too young to be that committed to a lifetime, that he loves me to death, platonically speaking, and thinks I'm a beautiful person and that I deserve someone amazing, all that jazz.

And then last night, after days of not being able to get ahold of him, he tells me he's resigning from his position "because [he's] making too much money." Yeah. I mean, obviously, there's more to it than that, but, wow, I'm so glad I broke up with him. There was always just such a glaring difference in our lifestyle choices...namely, I live to make money, and he lives to spend money. We had a good balance of that for awhile, but especially when kids came along, it was going to be bad news.

As I get into the really bad Johnny stuff, the really shameful stuff that haunts me (and, in turn, the stuff that makes me hate myself for letting it haunt me), know this: if it weren't for Johnny, I would still be with Aaron, and I would still be a pack-a-day smoker. Not that I equate those two things. And, obviously, I'm reminding myself more than anything why it's okay that all that shit happened, as long as those two things happened, because even though Johnny took away my sanity, he gave me back my life.

Time for your weekly dose of roommate bitching: Jenny's dog peed in my room last night. I told her, she went to clean it up, I was more pissed (heh) than usual because I'm PMSy, so as I was instructing her on how to clean it (don't use bowls that we eat out of, throw out the bag he pissed on, keep the stuff that was in the bag since they're presents, not trash), she said, "Morgan, I don't need your attitude right now." Not once did she apologize for her idiot dog pissing on my shit (heh), but instead got mad at me for being mad at her dog. Something I would like to say to her: "You're not worth the effort it would take to demand that several apologies you've owned me throughout our tenuous friendship." What I say to her instead: nothing, and I go work out.

Things I would like to work out, aside from my physical self: my intimacy issues. My abandonment issues. My confrontation issues. Any suggestions?

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.