I'm not alone. I have people I can call at any time of night. If I wanted, I could renew the friendships with Katie and Deanna, which I have considered, but can I really be friends with people for whom I have no respect? That's a reflection on me, if those are the people I'm friends with. I told Pav last night, after admonishing him for leaving me with "all these assholes" (truly), something about how now that I have no friends, and he got all mock-insulted and insisted that I have him. Pav's such a fucking great guy. We have plans for Thanksgiving to have a Brigitte Bardot/Mighty Boosh marathon since neither of us can afford to go home, or did I mention that already?
Truthfully, I could feasibly afford to go to Redding or Portland to visit my dad, who is heartbroken that he can't afford to send me himself, but the hassle of travel combined with dealing with Damien and losing out on work when I really am close to getting out of debt is just too much. Besides, I'm totally reveling in my loneliness, just rolling around in it, embracing it, smothering it with affection, keeping it tied to a chair in my basement.
But the point of all this is, I'm really good at alienating people. When I really want to, I can make friends easily, but it's just as simple for me to cut people, even my closest friends, even when they're fucking living with me, out of my life. Jenny is begging me to talk to Deanna (sitcom-esque occurrence: Deanna texting Jenny to text me to talk to her while she is literally less than twenty feet away). But the reason I won't talk to anyone involved about it is because...I just...don't have anything nice to say about these people right now. I'm disappointed in Deanna for the DUI, even though it was a very long time coming and is probably the best thing for her. I'm disappointed for Katie for staying with Jared, even though that's her choice and not my place to judge even if we were still friends. But I could have worked through these issues if I didn't feel ashamed to call these people my friends. It really has nothing to do with them; I'm just at a place in my life where I second-guess everything I do and say because I don't know who I am anymore, and I can't let their actions reflect my desires. Because I want to get fucking trashed every night. I want to be the kind of person who would get back together with Aaron because I'm too scared to be by myself. It's just like high school; I want to be ignorant, to not spend hours overanalyzing, to prefer the company of others rather than the company of my books. But I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not that person, and I never will be, and to be friends with these people who are making these horrible decisions, thus making it easier for me to make horrible decisions, when I'm so weak-willed will lead to me further from my ultimate goal of a balanced sense of self-worth.
That's why, Jenny, who does not read this, that's why I can't be friends with Deanna anymore. That's why I stopped talking to Katie. And honey, you'd be next if I didn't need you to move in at the end of the year.