Stinky
24 November 2005 at 11:12 am

From a few days ago:

I have had this diary for over five years now. What were you like five years ago? Have you changed? You'd have to be an incredibly intense person not to have changed. As it stands, I was 16 when I started on here. I had online journals and web sites before (I learned HTML when I was 12), but nothing like this. I am now 21. I know (now) that people are more likely to change immensely during these years (but don't tell that to my 16 year old self), but still, a lot happens in five years no matter what age you are whether you want it to or not.

This diary has gotten me into a lot of trouble. It has destroyed friendships. It has hurt people. It has hurt me. It was through this that my mom found out I was cutting myself, after Joanna called her and told her to read it. It was through this that I was estranged from my AP English class -- the same class whose theme was focused on logic rather than emotion. This is how I keep in touch with my friends whose emails are too hard to respond to, this is how I keep in touch with myself when I can only think the same string of thoughts. To be a complete nerd, this is my pensieve. It has forced me to be honest at times, sensationalistic when I felt I had an audience, but never downright fictional. It has consumed me -- every little thing I do, I write it in my head as I'm experiencing it before I go to the little white box to type it out. For awhile, I was completely uncensored. I had no reason not to be. Then I was given a reason to be, and even then I struggled to keep my true feelings out of the picture. It took me a few years to realize that that is a healthy thing to do, as long as the people around me are aware of my true feelings as well. This isn't an escape; it's an outlet.

I don't know if I'll want to post this tomorrow, so I'm going to sleep on it. If you're reading this, then obviously I'm still feeling the same way. I hate having to defend myself, and it's unfortunate that I put myself in this situation, and I am in no way apologizing for having an opinion or a reaction, but honestly? At this point? At the very bottom of it all, through all the burnt bridges and hurt feelings, I am writing this for me. That you are reading it is your decision.

You see my little secret down there, my insignificant disclaimer? I don't take anything -- not life, not death, not friends, not enemies -- very seriously. But most of all, I couldn't, even if I wanted to, take myself seriously. Here's the other part of the secret that I hope you figured out for yourself: neither should you.

For today:

Thanksgiving does not exist if you have to work, as both Aaron and I do. We had a mini "I am thankful for" session (fans, doggie yawns, coffee, Totoro, etc) and are spending the rest of the day organizing all the shit that we moved around yesterday during our switching rooms/steam cleaning project. Above and beyond that, it's just another day.

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.