I ended up writing this big long email to Esp about all the things that I didn't know were floating around my mind. I regretted it the moment I sent it. When did I start feeling guilty for talking to my friends about my life? Oh wait, I remember.
It's Aaron's and my three-year anniversary tomorrow. We don't know if tomorrow is the official day, but it's convenient for us. He's taking me out to dinner at his former place of employment and getting me a nice haircut (hopefully the latter before the former). I paid off the rest of his deposit on his xbox 360. When I went to the game store today to take care of business, there were a bunch of boys hanging out and everyone heard when I said that I was going to pay for my boyfriend's pleasure box (heh, gross) and they were all like, "Whoaaaa," all impressed and totally in love with me my bank account.
He mentioned to me that somebody else had mentioned to him that three years is a long time. It was kind of a "no duh" statement, but still -- three years is a long time. For three years, he's been my only constant. We've been through a lot. It's still bizarre to me how one day everything is fine and the next, your life as you know it is over. And then you go to hell and then you emerge and things are never great again, but the tedium of it all is comforting, more attainable than happiness and therefore preferable.
Especially now that I'm back on campus and living with and around other early 20-somethings, I appreciate the way my life has worked out more and more. There's a small part of me that still wishes I never make it past 25 but more than anything else in my life, Aaron has given me a reason to work hard for a decent future. I can't just live for myself, and especially reading back on past entries, I never really could.