I'm really terrifically nervous. Change gives me hope; it also gives me butterflies. It could be the 500 mg of ibuprofen working it's way into my system, or the penicillin, or the oatmeal I just ate at 4:30pm, or that that's the only thing I've eaten all day. I have one half of an hour before I can sign up for classes for fall semester at UCSB and I'm checking the schedule obsessively to make sure there's still space available in the classes I want. I don't know why I freak out so much about this stuff; well, I do know. With all the Big Changes occuring in the next few months, I need for something to be definite. I don't know where I'm going to live, I don't know where I'm going to work, I don't know if I'm going to be lonesome or if Aaron's going to like living down there or if I'm going to have another breakdown.
I can handle Real Life; I've been dealing with it for the past few years. I guess I can't handle the Fake Life of the College Student. Students still think they can't be held accountable for their actions because they're still being lead by teachers [insert:overgeneralization]. I learned to enjoy education much more when I looked at my teachers not as authority figures but as -- I don't know, just people. Not someone who can make or break my life, just someone who's paid to talk to a bunch of kids for awhile. My mom gave me this complex about school and authority in an attempt to make me a responsible person. She made it an absolute priority for me to give everyone the upmost respect and to do everything I was told. Instead, I'm inhibited, subordinate, nonconfrontational, passive aggressive, and hesistant to do anything without somebody's approval.
This leaves me with a rock in my stomach where there should be flurries of excitement. Ugh, I hate this time of year. Spring is when you finally get to see everything that's been hibernating; the literal and figurative fruits of the earth. I much prefer fall, when everything's dying and going to sleep and dreaming about the potential of post-winter. Nothing's ever as good as I imagine it could be, but even if it were, it wouldn't be enough.