How I Spend My Days
05 May 2005 at 11:44 am
How To Do One Hour Of Work And Get Paid For Eight: The Office Edition, or, How I Spent My Work Day
The key here is to look busy. Surround yourself with piles of files that you'll occasionaly sort through when someone walks by (but not everytime someone walks by, that's too obvious). Poke through websites that look like Word documents or look official: Craigslist, livejournal occasionally, news headlines, televisionwithoutpity. Start typing randomly, even if it's just nonsense. Always keep at least one work-related document open so that you can click on it and start "proofreading" it if somebody gets too close to your computer screen. Cock your head and glare at the computer screen every once in a while. When people ask how you're doing, give a half smile and nod your head, like, too busy thinking about all this important filing to respond. Send at least two work-related emails a day. If you need to get rid of a screen fast, put Outlook in an accesible place so that you can be opening it if you hear somebody walk by and it's not as obvious as closing all of your screens. Stretch a lot if you hear somebody coming (but before they see you) like you just finished editing a 300-page document. For your lunch break, go sit in a park or something, but don't eat; bring your food back with you and eat at your desk. People who don't know that you took your lunch break will think you're working through it; people who do know you took your lunch break will assume you were too busy running errands. This guarantees you at least another hour's worth of avoiding work.
The absolute key to all of this you must actually accomplish something by the end of the day so do a little work in the morning and a little in the afternoon and whatever the hell you want in between. Everyone takes breaks, so if somebody catches you IMing a friend don't try to hide it. Don't be apologetic if you get caught not doing work; just pretend like it's because you were working So Hard all day that you deserved a quick game of online Scrabble. If you believe it, so will they. Everyone once in a while, throw in phrases like, "This week is killing me!" Never admit that you're bored; if somebody asks if you're busy and you totally aren't (but you look it!), see when the deadline is for whatever they need done and then make up something that needs to be done in the meantime. Ask random coworkers questions about work every few hours so it seems like you're accomplishing something.
Following these tips should guarantee you a good majority of goofing-off time.
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Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.