I find myself running into phases of paranoia, where people know my name when they shouldn't, there are strange looks for no apparent reason, everyone around me knows something I don't. I can talk myself out of these periods, tell myself it doesn't make any sense to feel this way, that everyone feels like this every once in awhile (I hope), but that sensation is still there until I get too busy to think about it. If I don't have somewhere to be or something to be doing, the thoughts overwhelm.
I never got therapy for this sort of thing so I can't really think of any way to describe or justify it. I was always self-conscious; I couldn't go into a store by myself for fear of...something. Messing up somehow. Messing up the purchase of a Blow-Pop. That's bizarre, that's Weird, but my mom justified it by saying that she was bashful at that age as well and that I'd grow out of it. I didn't grow out of it, I just force myself to do the things that need to be done or I make Aaron do them for me.
I used to think I was comfortingly normal, good family, good manners, good grades, good at sports, good at everything. Now I'm realizing that because everything comes so naturally to me, it's difficult to put forth effort for the things I really care about -- for fear of failing, for fear of learning I'm not as good as I thought I was. How do I deal with this? How do I learn passion?