You know when things get so shitty that you feel like if you don't talk about it or think about it then it'll just go away without you having to deal with it at all? It's kind of like that right now. So I'm just going to have to remain ambiguous until I figure out just how I feel about this situation.
I could kick and scream and cry if I felt like it, but the desire to do so is so strong that I don't have any energy left to actually break down. I'm just kind of getting through the day, looking forward to the things I usually look forward to -- television shows, coffee, the first cigarette of the day. Christmas presents, shopping, dinner with Sanam, lunch with Samantha. Skiing, New Year's Eve, drinking overpriced beer after work. Bubble baths, puppies, My Neighbor Totoro. Emails from Scott, paying bills, grocery shopping at Whole Foods. The little things, the big things, all overshadowed by this one event that doesn't necessarily affect me directly -- I'm not the one whose life is in shambles, but I have to pick up at least some of the pieces. If I could make it all better, I'm not sure that I would because some people never fully realize the consequences of their actions.
So I'll gulp my coffee rather than slurp it, continue my love affair with Mr. Bubbles, and buy more shoes than I need in the meantime. It'll be ok -- it always is, until the next catastrophic event worms its way into my life. Ugh. Fuck you.