Rather than have a real entry today about the boring drama of how we ran out of 20# HP paper and I had to run to the store but omg they didn't have the right kind and we needed to make copies on that paper right then and I had to get a different weight of paper and it was a complete DISASTER and today we were supposed to have a shipment of more of the 20# paper but instead they sent us 20# Hammermill paper in lavendar so we're going to be without our precious paper until tomorrow -- I'm going to talk about my conversation with Sanam today.
A little backstory: Sanam and I met in Santa Barbara where she taught me how to chainsmoke and we made fun of everyone together. She's the most cynical person I know, especially since I've become all optimistic and idealistic and shit (still contemplating how that happened: currently blaming the dog for insisting on cuddling every night). Shockingly, we've kept in touch since I dropped out of UCSB and currently chat every day from 8:30am to 4:30pm complaining about jobs and sending each other links to hedgehog pictures and TWoP stuff. She's demands entries when I start slacking so today, as I said above, I'm going to discuss our current conversation. There's probably no reason for you to keep reading unless you know either one of us.
The IM usually starts off with one of us IM-ing the other and saying, "Beat you." Then we talk about how we're feeling physically. Today, my legs hurt from shivering so much the past few days and I've had a headache since Sunday. She couldn't beat that so we moved onto discussing the link to a stick figure fight I sent her yesterday. Then we talked about mutual acquaintances breaking up: Geo and her now ex-boyfriend whom I like to call Satan, mostly because he had a bizarrely dyed coif and hideous goatee when I knew him. It's important to note that littered into our conversations are acronyms like "omg," which we use as frequently as possible to mock the people who also use it as frequently as possible, and phrases like, "lamerz" and "sux0r to the max0r." Again, we are mocking those who use phrases like that as though they are cool when, in fact, the phrases are SO lame that they're actually kind of cool enough to use on a regular basis, but only in conversations with each other. That's the kind of people we are.
The conversations continue: I moan about how miserable I feel and complain about silly coworkers. We discuss the different nicknames I'm giving people ("ac" for "annoying coworker," which surprises Sanam because she didn't think it would stick. It did.) I discuss my math test and how mediocre I think I did and how I've taken this same math class (college algebra) six times since the eighth grade and am finally starting to understand it. Sanam has taken it four times and still doesn't get it. I make fun of my teacher, a Vietnamese guy who ends every phrase with, "AM I GONG TO FEST FOR YEW!" The class responds with a resounding, "Yes!" and he says, "Well, deal with it," or something to that effect. It works out for me because I understand it better just reading the book and doing the homework in class and I love the way he grades -- you get 50% of the points for exam questions just for attempting them and you can throw out your lowest grade -- and he doesn't take attendence. Plus, everyone in the class is an idiot and a good lot of them are studying to be nurses, which makes me feel kind of queasy.
Then the new guy in the office offers to get me coffee and I give him three cheers. Sanam asks if he's cute, and I comment on how short he is (I'm 5'1" and he couldn't be more than an inch taller than me) and how strange it is to look be able someone straight in the eye. Anyway, he's cute in an elf kind of way, which Sanam thinks isn't possible because that's like saying "he's hot like a troll." Sanam suggests cute in a pocket sort of way and I agree.
I report that I was googled for "'lest i perish' cookie," which doesn't make any sense, but Sanam wants a cookie anyway. Actually, she "want[s] a cookie so hard," which is gross but Sanam insists that "hard is generally a funnier substitute for badly." I disagree. Then Sanam's leg hair is so long its itchy and I ask if it itches hard. There was some more banter about that, but I think it's more "ew" than "ha."
Then Sanam told me that I would love her friend Drew. Indeed, I do, mostly because his profile pic is him wearing all of his roommate's clothes but also because he's smarter and more interesting than me. You can stalk him here. He's coming to our New Year's Eve party and I told Sanam to tell Drew that he should kiss me at midnight, because Aaron's going to be working that night and if I'm going all out with the hotel party and the marina fireworks watching then I have to have someone to kiss at midnight. This plot was made all the more appropriate when Sanam told me that he's bisexual, which is awesome because then I can pretend he's full-fledged gay and not feel guilty at all. He's interning in DC right now (the perfect convo starter because I was supposed to intern for Senator Diane Feinstein my junior year of high school until my dad got DUI and I had to leave boarding school -- who doesn't like to talk about alcoholic fathers on the drunkest holiday of the year?) and was also the editor of the UCSB newspaper, so I asked Sanam what the deal is with her and overachievers. I am not a fan of overachievers because I am an underachiever. Sanam said that she collects them in the hopes that they might motivate her but "then [she] underachieve[s] and get[s] depressed and ... realize[s] [she's] actually better than everyone but [her] friends and [she has] this moment of joy in [her] life." That didn't translate well. I recommended she just start doing heroin. Then she typed something weird and I told her to shove it up her nose (it being a grapefruit). At this point, the aforementioned mocha had arrived so we let that one go.
I remembered that I found a letter than Aaron had written me last year, so I said so. That piqued Sanam's interest so I continued: I thought it was a love note at the time, but it was basically just a page of Aaron saying in different ways that he's sorry he sucks and he loves me. Clearly, this is not love note material, but Sanam noted that "at least it wasn't like, 'here's a list of things you do that annoy me.'" I agreed but countered that he could never write that note because then I could just say, "WELL YOU CHEATED ON ME YOU ASSHAT" and I win. Sanam was thrilled with my use of the term "asshat," which I used for the first time last night while watching Project Runway on Bravo. In case you weren't aware, this is one of the best shows EVER and I love it so much. It premiered last night, so I'm sure you can catch it about three hundred more times before the week is up, but just to ruin it for you: the guy who was dismissed (cut, fired, whatever the kids are calling it these days) is the guy from LA with the trendy black hair who made a dress out of a garbage bag and butcher paper. I was so happy because he was, and this is where I used the word, an asshat. I screamed this at the TV when he was talking about following his bliss and was happy that Sanam was as thrilled with my usage and I was. More notes about the show: there's one boy who looks like a plastic Andy Warhol and I hated him at first for his hair but he's so neurotic that he's starting to grow on me, but more like a mole that you just have to get used to and less like -- I can't think of anything good that would grow on me. So there you go. There's another boy who looks like a grizzly bear and it's great because all of the boys sound exactly the same: like valley girls. Sanam was not impressed because there's no way that it could be better than Regency House Party, which I have yet to see but that she assures me is quality. She then recommended I get obsessed with both her show and Drew and I said I would but only if they promised to become obsessed with me. Sanam said Drew would dig me and that Regency House Party already told her how much it digs me AND my asshat.
Then Sanam said that mammalian is a good word. I had no comment. She requested that I search for a video of a jesus lizard "skittering" (her word, I would have prefered a simple "running") across water. I couldn't find one but recommended she watch out for a clip from Wildboyz in which they're ridiculously excited to watch the same sort of lizard performing the same sort of miracle. It's one of my favorite television moments ever. Sanam does not like Wildboyz and refused to keep an eye out for it. In my search for a video, I did discover that there is a band called Jesus Lizard and now I have yet another item to mercilessly make fun of.
This is the point in the conversation in which we were talking about Drew's sexuality. I told Sanam to tell him to be full-fledged gay for NYE and she told me I should. I said that that would be creepy because how would she feel if she received and email that read, "Can you be totally gay on NYE so I can kiss you? Thanks!" She had no comment.
Then we got a shipment from Staples in the mail and I told her how happy I was because a new X-Acto knife came. She agreed that X-Acto knives are worth the excitement and continued on to say, "i love x-acto knives so hard." I told her that that was dangerous. I had to leave for a few minutes for the aforementioned paper emergency. When I came back we discussed the fact that her birthday party is tonight instead of on the fourth, which is the day of her birthday. This is because finals start on Saturday and even though she is done with school, none of the people who would be attending the party are.
Sanam then asked me if I had updated yet, which I had not because my last few entries have sucked and I wasn't feeling it. I told her to provide some inspriation and she suggested my daily conversations with her. I told her to say something interesting, to which she queried, "like, leg hair interesting?" I countered, "like, spotted a panda on the highway interesting." Then she told me a fictional story about how she spotted a family of pandas on the highway but the family was missing the daddy panda because it had been crossing the highway in search of bamboo for the rest of the family when it was decapitated by a semi.
Since the moment Sanam suggested I write about our daily conversations, I have spent an hour and a half writing this, and this was a collection of just two and a half hours worth of conversation. Can you imagine what we manage to discuss in an average day, considering we spend 35 hours a week chatting? Me neither.