Self-esteem, ahoy!
17 August 2004 at 2:18 pm

I don't doubt that bipolar disorder is, indeed, a medical condition that requires treatment. But some of the symptoms -- I mean, I'm scared of the dark. I sleep with the lights and the TV on when Aaron isn't there. I can't take a shower with the shower curtain closed if Aaron isn't there because images of serial killers attacking me through the curtain haunt me (I've never seen that scene of Psycho). But this is all stuff from when I was little -- when I was little, I imagined a giant spider emerging from the shower faucet and enveloping me. I'm not afraid of death; I'm afraid of suffering. But the fear that comes from the images -- it's paralyzing. But I don't think that that's abnormal. I think it's something I should get the fuck over, but I'm not going to seek help over it -- mostly because I don't want to find out that it's something more serious, that it's not normal, that it has to be Dealt With.

I've been hearing people call my name when no one ever did since I was little. I've lost time before, but that's just from being deep in thought. I'm paranoid, but isn't everyone? I mean, there's quite a few songs about it.

I'm v. busy and important today too! I'm printing, collating, ordering supplies -- who pays $100 for a pen? -- oh man, what would these people do without me?

Well, they'd probably do it themselves. And not take an hour to order a box of pens like I do.

And you know, when I say how busy and important I am, I say it with a severe amount of sarcasm. If I were to say it out loud, it would sound kind of like: "I'm SOOOooooo busy and imPORtant," and it would be said in a tone that would come off as pseudo-haughty and it would very clearly be a facetious statement. In case you were wondering. I'm almost as important as the computer in the back that barely works and that we never use, but definitely more important than the ...um ... I'm looking around the office ... the Kleenex is important ... the bizarre tribal art is pretty important ... the bookcases are priceless ... ok, I'm definitely more important than the lamp that sits on my desk that is impossible to turn on and therefore is rendered useless. I'm slightly more important than a broken lamp. ROCK.

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.