You know what my mother once said to me, back when I was 16 and the sluttiest thing I owned was a spaghetti-strapped tank top that I didn't even have the boobs to fill out but wore it anyway, perhaps just to make my mother crazy? "Morgan," she began on one particular evening when I was preparing to head out Katie's house, "you want to attract that right type of BOY, don't you?" The way you might say, "You don't want to fuck up your life and choose the wrong COLLEGE, do you?" Years later, several times throughout my relationship with Aaron, my mom has said, "I have never altered my life for a MAN." Always the emphasis on MAN, said with such pure hatred, the way she might say charismatically, "I'd never let CANCER keep me down." I love my mother, and she's been overly supportive of everything except my love life, but somewhere between the points when the guys in my life went from boys to men, my mother became a hypocrite.
All I really need right now is a good cry. A deep-souled, uninhibited, bawls-out, force-of-nature sob session. Unfortunately, the only times I really feel like crying are at work and nobody likes a weepy receptionist. I watched "True Life: I'm Adopted" last night and managed to eek out a few tears when the girl had to sign the adoption papers giving up her baby, but then I started thinking about what I would do if I were pregnant and was scared shitless instead.
My brother doesn't have any more cancer. My mom called yesterday afternoon at work to tell me and started sobbing on the phone, which left me just barely holding on for the rest of the day. That, in addition to the fact that I'm still recovering from Tuesday night's shenanigans, is making today unbearable. We had thought about heading up to Mendocino this weekend, but there's no way I'm getting out of bed until 1pm so we're spending the remainder of the day in Sausalito.
I was all like superpsyched for my $10.00 Nine West flats until I was sent on an errand that forced me to walk about a mile. Never more have I wanted to walk a mile in someone else's shoes -- by the end of the trip, I was walking around like a pigeon, flat-footed and scrunching up my face with every ridiculously painful step. I developed four blisters in the process, one of which popped before I made it back to the office, one of which is the size of a nickel, and two of which are just there to taunt me. I can hear them now: "This is what you get for paying $10.00 for shoes, you fucking cheapskate. Know our wrath and ne'er forget when next you see a good deal on a pair of shoes you don't need. Rawwwwrrrrrr!"
I've finally registered to vote. I've been putting it off for years and years, initially because I didn't want to deal with jury duty, then I went through my apathetic, woe-is-me stage, then it was just sheer laziness, but I am now, much to my mother's chagrin, a registered Democrat. I come from a Republican family, but before you get your panties in a wad, know this: my parents don't believe that the government should be so involved in social issues, which is what a lot of recent politics is about, so they chose their party in the 80s based on fiscal preferences. My mom's not so keen on anything GOP right now, but she still believes in the core values of the Republicans. Whatever. She's married to a hardcore Democrat now and they talk about politics the way most people talk about ... I don't know ... sex? Ew.
I talk about their political views because I haven't quite formulated mine yet.
I think that if there were some kind of catastrophe where I couldn't live with my parents or with Aaron, I would have a number of places I could go and people would be thrilled to take care of me. I've gotten really good at not burning bridges, which I used to be really great at. I was a metaphorical pyromaniac, but now I'm, umm... what's that bear's name ... the forest fire guy ... Smokey. I'm Smokey the "Only YOU can prevent severing potentially important connections" Bear. That makes no sense whatsoever. My kingdom for a reasonable bedtime!
one year ago today: nothin.
two years ago today: nothin.
three years ago today: nothin.