I�m feeling kind of like � there�s something better for me. Which, of course there is. But I don�t have a realistic way of achieving the goals I set for myself many moons ago.
All I want to do, and all I�ll ever want to do, is write all day, but I�m so afraid of failure that that� something I�ll never do � at least, I�ll never pursue that as a career. I�ve been telling people that I�m planning on going into publishing, like, editing or something, because when you can�t write you own shit, you may as well critique somebody else�s.
But I, and I think this is a problem for this age group, have been on the threshold between grownupdom and childhood for sometime now and I don�t know quite what I need to do to take that step forward.
How in the world am I ever going to afford a house? How am I going to figure out life insurance? What am I going to do when I can�t call my mom with legal questions? Exactly how am I going to fuck up my own kids?
What is holding me back from finding the answers to those questions?
Fear? Inexperience?
I can�t help but wonder where Aaron fits into all this. He�s someone who lives one day at a time and thinks that everyone owes him something. I�m the exact opposite � I plan everything and think that I owe everyone something.
I also can�t help but wonder how anyone could make a bra as uncomfortable as the one I�m wearing.
Katie came to visit this weekend, it being her birthday and all, and I met her new boyfriend who is kind of scary hot. Like, such a perfect physical specimen that you just want to slap them and scream, �Get a pimple! Have a roll of fat!� He seemed very nice and, as I was hesitant to demonstrate my bizarre nature to someone with whom I share a mutual interest in maintaining an amicable friendship, the day went off nicely, I think.
Flashback to senior year: a visit to San Jose to hang out with Katie�s boyfriend at the time. A miserable trip and a subsequent malevolence that made hanging out with The Couple impossible. It only took them three years to break up after I made clear my dislike for him. Did I see it coming? Oh, I saw it coming.
The feeling ebbs and flows, but I am sick and tired of waiting for that something better. That thing on MTV, the filler or whatever, where it�s the guy on the escalator with posters behind him that read, �Birth, Play, School, Work, Death�? We all know the truth, Artists of the world, do we need to be reminded of it when we�re watching the channel designed to make you braindead?
one year ago today: �if this customer were moving any slower, he would be comatose.� two years ago today: �//both you and i know you're going to really be something.//� and �i wouldn't mind being an insomniac if i actually got things done. but i don't.� three years ago today: �Ironic is an overused word that fills any blank space where there's supposed to be feeling, but there isn't.�