Aaron is a very easy scapegoat for my mom.
She hates him, she told me last night.
I had no words, so I told her to have a nice weekend.
Then I slept all day today.
What she doesn't realize is that, when I dropped out of school, Aaron was not in my life. When I was depressed and cutting myself, Aaron was not in my life. When I decided to move to Seattle, Aaron was not in my life.
So now, when I say that I'm thinking about moving to Portland next year and going to school, she says that Aaron's manipulating me. That I'm just following him around. That it's his fault I'm in so much debt.
That I'm never going to graduate, never going to amount to anything, she won't watch me destroy myself as a result of Aaron.
She, out of love for me, decides that everything that's wrong in my life right now is a direct result of Aaron.
She can say these things because she and my dad pay my rent since I'm in school. Therefore, she has some sort of control over my life. And I hate that. I HATE it. Hate it to the point where I'm ready to tell her to stop sending me money, stop paying for school, I'll take out student loans and spend the rest of my life paying it off just so I don't have to listen to her perception of how horrible my life is, how many mistakes I'm making.
Aaron is the one forcing me to go to class when I'm too tired not to go. Aaron is the one making me food and cleaning up the place when I'm too lazy. Aaron is the one letting me take out my frustration on him. Aaron is keeping me company when I have no friends. Aaron is making me giggle when all I want to do is cry, holding me when I want to kick the wall, making me go outside when sitting in the bathtub for the rest of my life sounds like a reasonable idea.
Aaron is the one who keeps me from spending all my money on alcohol and pot. He's the reason I don't smoke pot anymore. We quit drinking together. I don't spend my money of that shit, when all of my friends do, because of Aaron. I'm Growing Up.
Is this, like, my mom's version of apron strings? I have my own little family now and she wants me to be her little girl forever?
I have no words for how much it hurts to love two people so much and for them to not get along, to the extent that my usually over-rational mom say that she hates him. She HATES him.
Aaron never told me, "Hey, even though she's your mom and everything, could you never talk to her again?"
My mom told me, "He's ruining your life."
Yesterday was a bad day.
one year ago today: "If the thoughts I put in here are so important, shouldn't the most important people of my life know about them?" two years ago today: "i had some sort of conclusion to make here but it has escaped me." and "i love when people try to sound smart and just become redundant" and "it's kind of funny how stories go from something to brag about to something to cry about." three years ago today: "anyway, i'm alls abouts the abortions."