I�m looking at Marc Jacobs shoes on eBay. And I�m salivating.
Um�
Is it possible to feel emotion while dreaming?
I had a dream a few nights ago that involved someone I had HUGE crush on in college, someone I haven�t seen for a year and haven�t thought about since then. In the dream, I felt that jittery, adrenaline-fueled feeling of opportunities once missed that have presented themselves once again. I woke up and still had that feeling of infatuation � kind of like when you break a leg in your dream and wake up and your leg hurts, probably because it had fallen asleep at a weird angle.
I have ridiculously vivid dreams, and the flashbacks I get on a fairly regular basis, that d�j� vu feeling, make is difficult to decipher reality from my imagination, which is entirely too disconcerting � to now know what has or hasn�t actually happened, how the experiences I think I remember might never have occurred.
Anyway, on my ride to work I was trying to remember why I had a crush on this guy from the dream at all. I think it officially started when he dyed his hair blue � mostly, he was just thoroughly dreamy and I figured, I dunno, I could be beautiful by association. Or maybe it was, if someone that hot is attracted to me, then I must be that hot too.
He wasn�t attracted to me, but that�s because I was a complete cow back then. And he found out how obsessed I was about him through this fucking thing, and occurrence that makes me cringe to this day. Ugh, how humiliating.
Saturday night was the first night I had the urge to cut myself in over a year. I don�t know what my problem is � one second, I was on my way to Sam�s to play poker, the next, I was tearing apart my apartment in a blind rage. It�s frightening and annoying how things can change so quickly � I was talking to my mom about how happy and in control I felt, and then I completely lost it.
I�m really kind of sick of this whole thing. Dear Brain: Get better. Love, Mind.
one year ago today: �that's why i'm an atheist: all the drugs, none of the guilt!��life is so fucking stagnant right now.� two years ago today: nothing. three years ago today: �i'm home on 420 watching lizzie maguire on the disney channel in my pjs after smoking the last bit of my pot (oops).�