Is this enough for you?
22 November 2003 at 1:55 am

I'm numb. I want to bring feeling back, but not that way.

I feel like I'm a nineteen-year-old stuck in a thirty-seven year old's body.

One time, Mrs. LaField and I were talking and we were discussing chronological and mental age. Chronologically, I was 12, while mentally, I was 27. Now I'm 19 but I'm 12 again because I never really got to be that age.

It's a shitty age to be.

I can't help but feel a little self-conscious when people say, "I don't care how you look" and go on commenting about how that girl is so ugly and that girl is so hot.

Now I know why people work: without a sense of purpose, worthless as it may seem, it's a good distraction from how much you hate yourself.

Esp quit her job today because the management is a giant cuntfarm and I am mighty proud of her.

My back hurts and I have been wearing the same jeans for a week. I've started having those dreams in which I can't tell what really happened and what my mind imagined happened. I dreamt I went back to UCSB. I also dreamt we had chai in the refrigerator, and went to look for it this afternoon but, of course, it wasn't there because my mind made it up.

I talked to Joanna for a little while but I hate talking on the phone now because there's nothing to say. I can't hold a conversation.

I keep seeing people outside of my window but I live on the seventh floor so that's just not possible. A quick clarification, a blink, and it's just the top of a tree or a cloud or absolutely nothing. It jolts me.

I could go out and there would be people to entertain me but if I were to leave and go somewhere I would have to walk or take the bus because I have too good of a parking space to give up and I'm not really big on walking and the bus is creepy and besides, I might get lost or killed or I might say the wrong thing or look the wrong way and then I couldn't even pretend to have friends.

I'm terrified. What happened to me?

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.