bikini girls with machine guns
14 July 2003 at 5:58 pm
how could she do that? it's the most selfish fucking thing i've ever experienced. she wasn't even my very best friend. that's not important. why did i say that?
how could she leave her mom stranded like that? how could she say, "fuck you to everyone who ever tried to help me, who ever tried to be my friend, anyone who randomly smiled at me even if i didn't know you ... fuck the world, i'm out"? who does that?
everyone! fucking who hasn't thought about, "well, what if i went to sleep and never woke up? someone else would feed my cats. someone else could pack up all my stuff. the bills will probably magically disappear."
was she hoping to just fade away? for the world to act like nothing ever happened? like there were never any midnight conversations, analyzing the cuteness of everything?
there is no doubt in my mind she knew exfuckingactly what she was doing. i could comfort myself with the idea that she didn't realize, oh, death is permanent, she didn't think it would actually Work, she was just misguided youth.
i'm the one who told her we're all going to die, and it can be our choice when that happens. but i can't feel guilty about that. otherwise, i'll start taking myself seriously when i say, "when's it my turn?"
i can't i can't i can't talk to anyone about this. i'm the one people come to when they need to talk. and they all say the same thing: i'm so sorry, it's ok, i love you, i'm still here. i don't know why i find myself crying at every little thing that reminds me of her.
i'm not scared of death. i'm just scared of being alone. of being left alone.
which is why i'll hide it as much as i can, but there comes a point where it just...pops out. "oh, so here's my fucked up little mind, what do you make of that?" like my mom said, "we're all getting sick of dealing with you." thanks. like aaron said: "i left because i didn't want to deal with you." that was a while ago, but that doesn't matter. it's the past and it's over but that doesn't change the fact that it happened.
fine, then why don't i just leave entirely.
question: for those who have read the giver, which should be everyone, does jonas die at the end? i thought it was a happy ending, but my 7th grade teacher was convinced he died.
it's all so simple sometimes.
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