i dot it
10 July 2003 at 10:39 pm
it's that time of year again --well, time of month....time of week? maybe the time of day. anyway, it's the time when i start listening to songs of yesterday and think, "wouldn't it be great if he were singing that for me?" and it turns out that he probably was. we could have worked it out.
i'm going to be good at what i'm doing at any particular time (feel free to take that as naughtily as you can, just for fun). i'm going to be a dreamer, and i'll always want what's just out of reach. i'm always going to prefer my fantasy world to the abrasive reality, and i'm always going to think that i want what i want when really, i want to want what i have.
and speaking of my fantasy world: it's not all random rainbows and moonlit kisses in this erratic mind of mine. most of the time, i'm thinking about how kickass it would have been if i'd thrown a cup of coffee in the face of supercunt when she told me she "fooled around" with my boyfriend on that one night (which, i later found out, means that they slept together twice). that would have been worth the price of admission into heartbreak hell. or how life should be scripted, or we should at least be able to call "line!" and be fed an appropriate response instead of, "uh, cool" or "well...fuck you!" i dream about how great it would be if i could act as melodramatic as i really am all the time, instead of just when i can blame it on hormones, but i was raised too well. i remember having one outburst when i was little in a public place, and i was humiliated to neardeath. i can't be that person when i'm also the person quietly laughing at the girl flipping out in the middle of a parking lot because her boyfriend didn't call. is it ok to be something you laugh at, if you can laugh at yourself being that?
how can i even ask bullshit questions like that when i'm the person insisting that you should do what you want at the time you want to do it? i never said i wasn't a hypocrite. does that make it better? NO. AHHH. FUCK YOU.
until that day, when inhibition is a thing of the past, when i can say what i'm thinking without having to form every sentence in perfect grammatical form and consider what every person who might hear my thought will think of it, when i can wear what feels right without eyeing that belly of mine, i'll have to find a way to be satisfied with dreaming about what could be and what should have been.
mod l post-mod
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.