a squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit!
03 July 2003 at 9:56 pm
when did crying become such a bad thing?
so, i was watching sex and the city and it was the one in which miranda's mum dies, and that was enough to set me off, but then aidan and scott showed up at the funeral and it was all downhill from there. i cried like i did at suzy's funeral, biting my lip to keep from interrupting the ceremony but wanting more than anything to jump in front of everyone and scream about how inappropriate everything was.
and it wasn't so much that i was sobbing outright, and it wasn't that i was crying from fucking sex and the city, it was that i felt badly about it and i was so happy no one else was around. except if someone else had been around i wouldn't have been crying and somehow that would have been better.
i don't know how it happened, because i have always proudly displayed my heart on my sleeve, but now i feel the need to mask everything.
but i guess that what happens when you have to take someone else's heart into consideration.
and i think that's where my depression is coming from now. before, it was hiding all the denying everything about my father and my brother and now it's denying myself the simple freedom of telling someone how i'm feeling because i'm afraid that it will make the other person upset. i can handle my outburts because i have a certain amount of control (if i were joanna, i would have complete control, you heartless wench :), but i absolutely cannot deal with someone else being sad, let alone someone i love.
today was the busiest fucking day at work ever. i think i say that a lot, but i really mean it this time. in the average work day, i take in around 150-250 checks. today, i took in 400. that's insane. there was a constant line, more often than not to the door. and we have a decent sized lobby. stupid 3-day weekends.
ooohhhh, but it's the weekend. aaron talked to his poor drunken friend today. he was, of course, hungover as all hell. he had passed out around midnight last night and was just waking up at 3pm when aaron called. poor bastard.
mark my words: i have never and will never have any desire to be a mother. it is my belief (obviously) that the desire to be a parent derives from the idea that one's own parents didn't do a good enough job. my mommy did a fabulous job (i have the best relationship with my mum of all my friends) and i could do no better. in fact, i would probably do worse.
i am, however, very much looking forward to being a kickass aunt. i'll be the cool relative who tells at the pubescent brats about how their parents used to smoke pot ALL THE FUCKING TIME (coughmichellecough) so if they ever wanna, you know, try it it's not going to kill them. just say no to ignorance.
off i go to scrub away three days worth of wax and grease. yum yum.
p.s. i am by no means fat but i am decidedly chubby and i disgust myself. hurrah!
mod l post-mod