it's hard, but sometimes i have to take a step back, pull my head out of my ass, and scream, "IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT ME."
most of the time, however, i just let the world pass by, ignorant and blissful.
(both the world and i).
sometimes i think, i don't need to be here so who gives a fuck if i am or not.
can i make some comments on that, and the other article? i'll try make this nice and organized:
ahem.
the first time i saw suzy, a few weeks before my senior year of high school at the local junior college during registration, i thought, "great, another trendy punk motherfucker." what i was really thinking was, "i am jealous as all hell of her faboo and ever-so-original style." but, you know, high school.
she and esp became friends and i found out that she liked the powerpuff girls. i decided i liked her after she wore a bright orange dress that cost $0.50 at ross. so i bought her some gloves that featured blossom, buttercup, and bubbles and then we were friends.
and she was fucking brilliant. she did everything i wanted to do. she drove to san francisco on a whim to visit the exploratorium. she went to shows on a regular basis. hell, i was still calling them concerts back then. she fucking KNEW reel big fish (scroll down a bit under news to march 25).
she was my, and quite a few people's, hero. she had the best smile.
and now there are articles being written about her suicide. now she's fucking infamous.
"Gonzales' death is the 14th confirmed suicide associated with the online discussion group (which The Chronicle is not identifying). An additional 14 suicides are listed by the group as 'success stories' but cannot be verified because the individuals used anonymous screen names, and the group has refused to disclose their true identities."
i think suicide should be legal. to live or to die is everyone's right, and not really any of the government's business. sometimes, we're not even given a right to live...look at vietnam.
life is shit. we are going to die, whether by our own means or a bomb or a heart attack or cyanide.
i won't beat myself up with the fact that i told her a version of that philosophy a few weeks prior her death.
i wish suzy hadn't died, because she made me laugh, but i understand why she did. she was sad. she didn't like or understand it.
"'I am just your average Joan who has everything to lose and is willing to lose it for absolutely no reason. I am tired. I want to sleep.'"
the people who she wrote that to aren't evil. i don't hate them, because they just gave her the courage to do what a lot of us want to do. she is responsible for her actions. she knew what she was doing.
"Despite having a full scholarship at Florida State University and a loving family, Gonzales wanted to kill herself."
in that state of mind, potential or even realized success and love don't matter. you can't hug someone out of depression. and fucking school isn't everything. suzy was smart and did well in school; the year and a half before she died, she had dropped out of college three times. she was scared and confused and bored. there really isn't much more to life than what we've already experienced by this age. why do i stick it out? because i keep hoping it'll get better, and it does, but it gets a lot worse too.
we're all going to die. it sucks that we aren't all going to die happy and cozy warm in our beds with our blankies, but oh well. this was suzy's choice. i have to respect that.
'I will just get down again someday . . . I am preventing that.'"
humm...this didn't turn out quite how i expected, but whatever.
and by the way, roommates, i love being ditched on our last night hanging out together, like, ever. thanks!
off to put on way too much makeup, drink way too much whatever, and smoke quite a few (never too many) cigarettes. happy weekend, loves.