i love your hair
01 April 2003 at 10:01 am

in the middle of my tum sits a little ball of nerves that, with every waking hour, grows increasingly bigger until one day it will pop and i will be free of this crazy thing called sanity.

seriously, though. i keep having to remind myself to breathe. it's like i'm in perma-anxiety-attack-mode.

karen said to ask for help if i needed it.

but then i feel stupid asking for help because, apparently, i'm being selfish when i'm sad for myself instead of being sad for other people.

and maybe i am just a walking ball of depression.

i dunno. there should be a button i can press: "brain status: inactive."

i called aaron last night en route to seatac crying and asking him not to give up on me. which was stupid of me.

it's hard to be criticized for every fucking decision i make.

and i feel like i'm living with two moms now...every time i leave i feel like i'm sneaking out.

i'm just a bad roommate; i can't fucking wait to live by myself.

and and and ... i shouldn't let other people bother me so much.

and and and ... i should take other's advice and opinions into consideration.

and and and ... i feel like i'm in middle school again. with the self-consciousness, the not know how to act when, the inability to sing in the car or dance in my apartment because i'm afraid someone else is looking...how did i get past this before?

oh yeah, i went to boarding school and gained self-respect.

and then when i was back in redding and got really fucking depressed, what did i do?

oh yeah, i went to college and learned how to have fun.

and then when santa barbara got to be too much and i was having too much fun and didn't know how to stop, how did i cope?

oh yeah, i went to seattle and learned how to take care of myself.

and when people started to fuck me over, what felt like my only option?

move to san francisco.

i mean, it works for me. so why do you let it affect you?

i think i need to go back on pills.

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.