i wrote an entry last night on my computer, but my internet shut down, so i'll probably post it during my lunch hour. it'll be redundant, but i have to write about this now.
go look at my profile. see the first entry for favorite diaries? it used to say, "second coolest person that i know + girl that got me started in all this."
she's one of my absolute best friends from high school ... one of the main reasons i didn't kill myself during shitty college connection times ... she was brilliant, funny, supercute ... i talk a lot of shit about all of my friends, but i never had anything bad to say about her ... she had scholarship upon scholarship but ended up dropping out of college and feeling like a failure because, like, 99.9% of people at this age, she didn't know what she wanted to do ... we talked about a month ago, after aaron and i broke up, and i can't let myself feel bad for telling her my philosophies on life: life is shit, and it is all going to end up the same way, but if we're still alive when we wake up there must be something left to experience.
just...not suzy. i honestly believe that there are a lot of people that this world could live without, but not suzy. not my fake lesbian lover. i'm not saying this because i'm sad -- i can't even cry, i'm afraid if i start mourning i'll never come out of it -- but i feel badly for those who never met her, because she was Just That fucking Amazing. i never ended a conversation with her without laughing. she was ALWAYS smiling that huge smile and ALWAYS laughing at things that weren't funny -- oh, i'm on 4 different kinds of pills, ha ha ha! -- but you had to laugh because life is ridiculous and if you can't genuinely laugh you have nothing but misery.
maybe she stopped laughing.
i wish she had known that it gets better, it is just a matter of time and help, but when you're in that state of mind, there's no end in sight. she hated those fucking pills; maybe she saw them as abject failure, just like she thought she was a scholarly failure, that her parents were going to be so disappointed when they found out she had dropped out again.
maybe that's why i can't cry: i understand where it comes from, i'm jealous she had the courage and i don't. suicide is as much a selfish, cowardly act as it is courageous.
i emailed esp, because she's in the phillipines, and she called at midnight sobbing: "suzy? suzy? no!" i didn't want to ruin her vacation, but i knew she'd want to know.
i dunno. i'm confused. i'm imagining a tom sawyer-esque scenario in which souxiye falls through the rafters at her own funeral: haha! maybe now you'll appreciate me!
she knew how much her friends loved her, because we talked about that. her mind was working against her. maybe she was manic?
i can't think about how she wanted to meet me at san francisco international at midnight when i was down visiting my mom -- did she want to say goodbye? did she have this planned all along?
oh, suzy. i hope it's worth it -- not maliciously, but i hope you've found peace with yourself. i love you. the world is missing out.