oh, and did i mention i'm a model?
29 April 2002 at 12:49 pm

therapy is the ultimate in selfishness. i mean, who else would force someone to pay 20% of $125 just to talk about themselves for an hour twice a week?

today we discussed the difference between selfishness and self-fulfillment. and my mom's boyfriend and how i started sobbing in a restaurant when she told me they are in love and how that's ok. justification is great.

so are pot-induced dreams involving hunting animated dinosaurs with the boy of my dreams. it's been far too long since i've been kissed (in a /that thing you do/ way). i think travis was the last person who actually cared about me who i made out with. not that i actually cared about him...and adam doesn't count.

i am late to class and i don't want to go but i really ought to.

here is who is wonderful: sarah, sanam, jessica, jen from texas/oklahoma/saudi/madeira, esp, joanna, and my mum.

and it's really nice to be able to talk to someone about S-I who is not paid to listen.

that, and i am wearing the absolute last items of clothing that are still semi-clean and that still semi-fit me. i'm going to go do laundry now. then i'm going to go to the health center to talk to someone about my prescription and why my dosage should be upped. then i'm going to go fill my prescription and possibly get some bleach for aly's hair, as she wants me to dye her tips blue. should be ... erm ... interesting. how did i get to be the hall hair stylist? you'd think people would shy away from that, considering how much i've ravaged my hair in the past 6 months.

it is now 2:30p, and i am moving to seattle next year because of the 3 people i was supposed to live with, 2 have stated that they don't want to live with me. and joanna needs a roommate anyway. and santa barbara is absolute hell for me.

i called my mom after suzzi told me she didn't want to live with me (she was very diplomatic about it, but regardless, i am very hurt) and mentioned my options (seattle with joanna, sf with esp...i neglected to mention chugging a bottle of ibuprofen, because i don't think she would have appreciated that very much) and she said that she is a firm believer that things happen for a reason, santa barbara is not the place for me, i need a year off, she needs for me to have a year off, and this is so utterly for the best.

but it still hurts.

so i went to the beach and sobbed my silly little heart out and sarah joined me and made me feel better. the conclusion i've reached about why i'm so upset is (a) i keep running away. college was supposed to be my final escape, and i can't even make that work. i keep starting over because i keep fucking up; (b) i've made some kickass friends here. i already miss sarah (that was one of the first things i thought when i realized i have to leave), i've said that sanam is the raddest (most rad?) person i know, and that's still true, and she told me a bit ago that i couldn't leave because she wouldn't have anyone to smoke with (hmm, reverse psychic-ology?), jessica and i have only recently gotten to know each other but i really, really enjoy her company, christine is tons of fun, anne is sillyness epitomized, george and dave are always there for me (to get me drunk and try to sleep with me, but it's all in jest)...etc. i wonder if he would be interested to know that i'm leaving.

david posted the pics, and i would provide a link except i don't really trust the people who read this anymore so email or IM (theglitterfades0) if you want the link. or if you're smart, you could probably find it pretty easily on your own. necessary narcissim.

so i called my brother, because my mom said he's surprised at how much he hates it here and it wondering how i've been coping. we talked for a while and he made me feel a bit better. then he called back and said we're gonna hang out tonight, which makes me want to cry again because that's such a nice thing of him to do. now that we're finally getting kind of close, i'm going to move away.

and i'm debating whether or not to just drop out now and move to europe for a few months. i'll need some more money, though. maybe that's what i can do this summer...my therapist said it might be good for me to fulfill one of my supposedly unattainable dreams (that being living in london). if all goes as planned, i should have $2000 in the bank by june when i'll have to move out. or maybe i could just go back to redding and transfer to the In n Out up there. wait, did i just say that? there's no fucking way i'm going to be to that hellhole.

//theglitterfades0 (3:01:19 PM): and also, i'm not going to be in sb next year. i'm going to be in seattle. i'll tell you about it later.

Auto response from IVIaJENta (3:01:20 PM): hey lynni remember the time i threw that clay flower pot out my 10th floor dorm window cos i was kind of grumpy and stressed...well if you or edye have anything i can fling out my window, let me know. i'd like that. thanks cuz.

theglitterfades0 (3:01:33 PM): i like those colors, btw

IVIaJENta (3:06:05 PM): SEATTLE???

Auto response from theglitterfades0 (3:06:05 PM): if it's only rock and roll, how come music's in my soul? turn it on, come on, let's go right now.

IVIaJENta (3:06:09 PM): I CAN COME VISIT YOU IN SEATTLE????

IVIaJENta (3:06:16 PM): ROCK THE CASBAH!//

jen kicks ass.

alright, i'm going to go to the health center and beg to talk to someone about the prescription issue, then to long's to get the prescription, then to my brother's to smoke out and bitch about fucking santa barbara and fucking people and how much our mum rocks for being all rich and shit.

0 comments

mod l post-mod

|

New
Old
Profile
Notes
Extras
Contact
Image
Host
Trackback

About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.