i could be so much more than this
22 March 2002 at 7:05 pm

translation, verbatim: //Fucking emotional fuckwits. Fuck you. Apparently, you got scared. I don't care how cute you are. I don't care how easy it is to talk to you. I don't care how vulnerable I am to you and you are to me. I care how this CD is fucking skipping now, though. Fuck. You. Me: maybe I shouldn't talk to you for a bit. You: if that would make you happy. Me: It wouldn't, but that would probably be good for me. Goodbye. I want to cry so badly now and i can't. I want to cut. You don't advocate that, so why would you put me in this position? How did I let myself get into this position? How could I give you that control? Over and over I'm taught not to give out pieces of myself because I will never get what I want in return, but I never learn. You have your wall and you've given it to me. How could I let this happen? You hurt me. I hope you're happy.//

Reading between the lines: adam is not coming tonight because he wants to 'keep it lowkey.' it, the 'friendship' or it, the night? both, apparently. i'm hurt. especially since he's the one who recognized how important to me it was for him to come even when i wouldn't admit it. and i'm heartbroken because it's over. i mean, whatever it was...i can't be friends with him. a part of me is saying, morgan, dude, chica, chill. so he's not coming up this one night. don't be a girl. the other part, and the one my friends are pulling out of me, is saying, morgan, bebe! you don't deserve this! just go to bed honey, you'll be home in a few days (oh god) and you'll have a week to watch tv and vegetate and forget about him.

i've deleted his sn from my buddy list. i removed his number from my cell. i deleted his picture (but printed it out, obviously, and wrote all over it. into the real journal it goes).

and i cut. and it made me feel a lot a lot better. now i need to clean up everything and pack and go to bed relatively early. catharsis.

fuck fuck fuck. this is the last time for a long time i even let myself get close to allowing myself to be vulnerable to anyone male. so, thanks a lot, adam! you've reset the cycle!

from now on, boys are strictly toys. they are only to be fucked with, no matter how sweet they seem. it's boys versus girls; all boys are the same emotional fuckwits, and all girls are the same melodramatic bitches.

jimmy eat world is beloved, btw.

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.