it's 2:31am. do you know where your sanity is?
12 November 2001 at 1:56 am

because i am a certifiable lazyass, i'm going to c/p my email to joanna instead of being all creative and retyping my highly uneventful day.

//

hey...sorry, i climbed into bed around 9 intending to get up in about an hour and do something and i kept waking up and saying, "mmm, five more minutes and now it's 1:30. it's cool, though, because the last two nights i've been going to bed around 3 and getting up by noon, which is so terrible for me. i'm glad you liked my thingy. i think if i go through my diaries and find all the little schticks i have i could add it to it and have quite the little story.

i was thinking yesterday how i totally have comedy schticks. like, i'll come up with something funny in my head and develop it so it's a little story (like my glasses..."I don't actually need these glasses. When I went to have my eyes checked, convinced I was going blind, I think the optometrist gave me the hypochondriac's prescription. So even though they make no difference to my eyesight, I wear them just to give me that extra degree of coolness.") and i'll tell a few people and see how they react and tweak it until everyone i tell laughs at it. i dunno...i think it's kind of weird, how i act like such a comedian when i'm really not that funny. Does everybody do that, though, or am I just weird?

This is the first email I've written you in a really, really long time. God, I slept so well. I didn't dream or anything, but I was just so comfortable...I love my bed. It's like lying on a hammack. Especially when I go to bed slightly stoned...i totally get the sensation of hanging. awesome.

Great, now I'm totally all awake. I am Still. Not. Fucking. Over. Chris. And I can't stop thinking about him, and i NEED to because I'm NOT going to do anything about it and it's just getting fucking annoying. I need something trivial to replace him.

Ok. Nothing else to say. Night.

i do have something else to say. i've been listening to radiohead nonstop and now i'm totally obsessed. it's perfect for the day...it was kind of gloomy and windy and just one of those lazy sundays. i love it when you find perfect music like that that you can just put on repeat. k, i'm done now.

//

other stuff that happened today: woke up around 12 thanks to christine and completely wasted the entire day. literally. i have no fucking idea what the hell i did, but i really, really got nothing done. but that's what three-day weekends are all about, right? around 6 or so christine and i wandered over to IV to get some dinner (down with meal plans) and we ended up smoking in this parking lot. i always make such a big deal about the location of where i smoke...it has to be totally secluded because i get really paranoid. but christine just whipped out her pipe right in the middle of the damn lot, 20 feet away from a busy bike path. of course, no one gave a flying fuck. i think i need to just relax a little. or something.

yeah, i'm totally totally awake right now. i've recently discovered that i'm an idiot and bravent counters has this "last 50 visitors" thing that shows where my last 50 visitors came from. most of them are direct hits, but today someone found me by looking for "gap outlet" (ugh) and then "mr peepers snl." tori always has the most interesting search engine results. of course, i can't think of anything right now. no matter. oooh, and someone came to my page via my girlboy entry, which is exciting to think someone found my qualifications interesting enough to find out more. yay for being interesting.

oooooh, i love my roommate but i'm so not looking forward to her coming back tomorrow night. it's just been so nice, having the lights on ALL THE FUCKING TIME, listening to my music before i fall asleep, not having to work my schedule around someone else.

joanna and i keep talking about me moving to seattle next year, and it sounds more and more awesome every day. i know we're at the point in our lives where everyone's full of pipe dreams, but this dream is so appealing. i hope we stick with it.

i was looking for fairy tattoos today, because i'm so lame that i want one, and i came across a tinkerbell one that i really enjoy because we're both pouty, selfish bitches, but i think it's sacrileigious to get disney permanently inked on my body, all things considered.

why is sacrilegious spelled the way it is instead of "sacreligious"? silly language.

so it was kind of nice with both anne and sarah gone this weekend because christine and i got to hang out by default. urg! i love having this single room! sophomore year, my roommate left every single weekend, and even though i love her to pieces (ugh) and she's still one of my closest friends, that 2-and-a-1/2 day break was such a relief. I think that's why we were such good roommates. I mean, you can't not get annoyed with someone living with them 24/7.

speaking of roommates, chris's roommate scares me. i'm not sure why...i'm just thoroughly frightened of him. but i'm not going to talk about chris anymore. esp! i need someone here to punch me every time i start to think of him or mention him. even though that strategy didn't work at all.

oh oh. scary relialization of the day: christine came into my room superstoned and totally hugged me in attack mode and i just couldn't handle it. i've gone so long without physical affection -- even just hugging friends -- that i get really tense and clautrophobic. surely, this is incredibly unhealthy for someone my age. poor, deprived morgan. maybe i used up my affection quota as a child.

oh my god! i absolutely, beyond all belief love radiohead. i can't believe i didn't get their cds earlier.

more randomness: this is going to come out weird because i just thought it and the thought hasn't quite formulated enough but i'm going to come out with it anyway. i really like being weird around people. except, not weird, like, BOOimafreak. weird, like, having an internal sense of humor...like, inside jokes with myself. like, i'm constantly saying i'm fat and unattractive, and i know i'm not. i'm chubby and cute and people must think i have the worst self-esteem, but really it's just this joke i have with myself about how i actually have really good self-esteem but all these skinny girls don't even though they're societally perfect. like, i think i've made my point. like.

i was thinking about that today. why the fuck is skinny attractive? i mean, it's really not. i can understand smooth, unstretchedmarked skin, but this superskinny with all the models is so unattractive. it's not sexy, because, in terms of sex, you're fucking a pole and what's intimate about that? i think that's why i'm so obsessed with sex goddesses from the 50s -- marilyn, bettie -- because they had themselves some beautiful bodies and were average sizes. what's with these sizes negative 2? ugh. i know i should be working out to be healthy, but i have no desire to be any skinnier than i am right now because i look at these skinny girls and a lot of them seem so nonexistent.

so fuck it. it's 2:30a now and i'm anything but tired. maybe i'll read a bit. i just started a tree grows in brooklyn and i think i'm going to have to read another 50 pages before i'm hooked.

oh, another thing i was thinking about. this is another one of those thoughts that is just kind of rolling around in my head and i can't quite verbalize it, but i was thinking about how i all i focus on is Past Morgan and Future Morgan, but never Present Morgan. I think of them as 3 different people, because they really are. Normally, I'm pissed at Past Morgan for procrastinating. I worry about Future Morgan. But Present Morgan never gets any attention. I think it's because she exists for so little time before she becomes Past Morgan. I dunno...I think I need to think about this some more.

wow, nonsensical thoughts and i'm not even high. sobriety, huzzah! this is gonna be one longass entry, so props to you for reading it. now you should go sign my guestbook. because that would make my day. and tomorrow's going to be a bad day, as i have GOT to write my philosophy paper as it's due wednesday and i'm spending tuesday at...get ready to be excited...the price is right. woot!

did anyone ever used to watch that terrible, terrible show let's make a deal? i used to watch it when i was little and i think it's scarred me for life. 30-year-olds dressed up in scary-ass halloween costumes screaming and smiling and making deals. who comes up with this shit?

well, i think i've sufficiently catharsis-ed for tonight.

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.