I thought I was having a good day, but I was just kidding myself.
I'm struggling with feeling bad about feeling bad all the time and having the people around me have to put up with me. But then I think about the validity of genuinity (deal with the make-believe vernacular). If I just pretended to be happy happy joy joy smiley smiley girl, I would surely have more friends but chances are, I wouldn't be able to stand them. Even in Redding, I only had a few (erm, 3?) *real* friends. And I hate acquaintences. I require superincrediblyclose friendships, which is why I give this address out to most of my friends. I'd rather my friends know the real me than the facade. If they can't deal with it, that's their problem. It's a lonely life, but it's the way I am.
Which would explain why I'm so utterly boyless. Wow. Thinking about this is really depressing me.
Should I take the steps to become Miss Perfect Teen Queen or should I accept myself and expect others to do the same? This would be a lot easier if I weren't in an environment that's EXACTLY FUCKING LIKE HIGH SCHOOL. I'm surrounded by fucking Nice girls. And I'm doing better than I did in high school...I'm nice to them. I talk. I say Hello. I nonchalantly ask thow they're doing. But that's what I hate! When I ask someone how they're doing, I want them to expand on that. "I'm having a great day. My best friend just called." "Life's shit. Fucking boys suck." When someone asks me how I'm doing, I don't want them to be walking away. I want to say, "Well, soandso, I had a relatively grand evening but now it's all going to shit." I want them to ask why. I want them to fucking care!
Yeah...the way I am...so why does it have to fucking suck so much? And why do I let myself be so repressed? Why do I feel the need to NOT be myself?
No, I can't handle this for more than a year. (So what can I handle?) I dont' fucking know.