things will never be the same again
27 August 2001 at 12:04 am

I'm having a bad day.

(But you always have bad days, Morgan.)

Yes, but it was a particularly bad day.

(Yeah, what is it this time).

Well, it started out ok. I woke up to my alarm.

***whoa, deja vu.***

Yeah, so then my mom comes screaming in to turn my alarm off (so I snoozed a coupla times! sue me!) I was going to go work out, but oh my god, it was so warm under the covers. Seriously, it was perfect. So soft and cozy....ooooo. So I couldn't get up and slept in til 9:15am, when i woke up to shower and get to work. It's all going ok, I looked cute today, so I take off for work. I get there early and I'm eh, but Crysty's managing, and while she's really nice, she's a Hardcore Manager, but in that sugary "wouldjapleasethankyousoooooooooooomuch" way. Like, "Morgan! Are you clocked on? Grrrreeeeaaat, could you go to the fitting rooms?" Fuck. I hate the fitting rooms. I got a twitch one day because I hated them so much. But soon, Jackie came on and took over and Crysty has me reorganizing the fucking belts. There are about 5 different varieties, and the only difference is the buckle, so I had to organize them all like that. Pissy. Then Stacey came on and asked me if I could leave at 1:45 instead of 5:15 and even though I'm in desperation for hours, I said yeah because I was tired and besides, what was I gonna say? "No, Stacey, that's just not gonna work. I know you don't really like me and I suck at this, but god dammit, I'm going to stay!" So the next hour flew by while I was filling kids socks (who knew they could be so scintillating?)

Then I come home and Mom's out and about, which is wonderful. I love puttering around the house, pretending like it's my own. Someday...anyway. So I put on "It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World," which was ok and started dling songs for my next mix cd ("the sleepover mix"). I finish the movie and mom comes home and finds me watching tv and on the computer, as always, and says, "You know, I think I'm going to give this entire entertainment center to your dad." (My dad's moving out of his current place of inhabitance). I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. Then she said, "Including the tv." Um, does she not realize she gave me her tv and it's currently sitting on my nightstand? And does she not realize I'm leaving in 3 weeks anyway so I don't really give that much of a shit? She does realize that her plan to make me freak out backfired and leaves the room, but not before telling me that Stuart's coming over.

Oh. And I should care....why?

Then she comes back into the room to say, "You know, I hope you're not going to be rude to him." (A) I'd like to think I'm a better person than that and (b) fuck her! I'll act however I fucking want!

So I'm still chillin on the computer when stuart comes and he asks how i am and i say fine and they start to cook. then he asks how work was and i say fine and then continue to cook. Then my mom comes in and says I can go to my room if I want to and I shouldn't feel any obligation to stay out here. But I was online and dling songs and I didn't want to interrupt the transfer so I just stayed in here until my mom gave me a look, like, if you're not going to talk and act cute, go away (she'll never admit this, but the only reason she wants me to be polite is so people will say how well she raised her child. she says she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her and i shouldn't either, but she is soooooo concerned with her "public image" as a politician. when matt got caught for pot, one of the first worries she expressed was that people can look this up on public record and it will be linked to her name if she has to run for her office. same with my dad's dui...after he got it, she started talking about changing her name. we have a very unusual last name. i dont' feel like explaining further.)

Yeah. So I set down teh computer and leave. I dont' know where I'm going, but I have a shitload of cash and a book, so I'm set for a little while at least. I end up talking to myself in the car and then I start crying because I can't remember the last time someone asked how I was in real life (not online, because no matter how deep the conversation, it's not quite the same) and stayed to hear the real answer. Granted, I have a short-term memory, but yeah. So I go to caldwell park and chill there, reading my book ("4 blondes." totally not recommended, but i ahve to finish it.) It's getting buggy so I drive around for a half hour and go by each and every single fucking gas station in redding until i find the cheapest price with the most convenient pay method. off hilltop, i realize that i'm below empty so i pull into a place where it's $1.35 and fill up. It was the kind of gas station where after you're done, you drive up to the register. V. convenient! And the register boy was cute, too. Anyhoo!

This would be a good time to mention that I am extremely bashful. I have the most insane shyness. Like, walking to my car in a parking lot by myself I get intensely self-conscious, thinking everyone's looking at me and wondering what kind of loser I am walking around by myself. I've been this way ever since I was little. But since all my friends are in school now, I had no one to hang out with so I decided to overcome this fear tonight.

I drove by movies 10 and considered going to a movie alone, but the thought scared me so much that i went to target instead and walked around there. I bought a jumbo pack of gobstoppers (i think i go in there weekly to buy those) and called up movies 10 to see what time things were playing because I decided that in order to fully overcome my fear, I would have to face the movies alone. Oh, fun fact: if you call 411 from a verizon cell phone, they have the listings for movies right there and you don't have to call movies 10 to get them. you jsut tell them which movie. this made me very happy. but it was that kind of day.

so the lady says "rat race" is playing at 9:10, which is an hour from then, so i got to b&n and get a rasp italian soda (which turned out to be my dinner) and read 4 blondes and bought valley of the dolls. albino ben was working there and he and i chatted for a few minutes, which is interesting because he and i have never chatted before and just know of eacho the through mutual friends. it's nice when that happens...you're memorable enough that someone remembers they know someone who knows you. good stuff. this also made the day a little brighter.

so i show up at movies 10 at 9:10 thinking i'll just sneak in the back of the theater and it'll be cool. except the movie doesn't start at 9:10. it starts at 9:40. pathetic experience of the day: while I was buying the ticket, the guy selling it asked if i was going to see it alone. i'm so lame, i couldn't say yes and be happy about it. i had to say i was meeting my friend and he wasn't here yet. i could have gotten off with an, "oh, she's independent, cool" if i had just said yes and smiled, but no, i had to make up some fucking story. and the worst part is i had contemplated my story in case someone had asked me that exact question. i need to start being more genuine.

so i'm in the theater, alone, so i decide to act popular and i call esp, but she's not wanting to talk on the phone, which i can understand, so i call my mom, who tried to convince me to come home or she'll meet me there because she's worried. i tell her it's no biggie and read 4 blondes until the movie starts. oh, 2 other couples and a large group of teenagers come in to add to my unsolicited humiliation. and one of them turns out to be adam wooden, who decides he needs to talk to me all through the previews. i make up some story (again!!) about how esp was supposed to meet me but she flaked out (esp, if you're reading this and adam mentions it, go with it -- oh my god, i am so lame...at least i recognize it though, right?) and finally, the movie starts, and it's actually pretty enjoyable. i laughed unforceably, and i never laugh at movies unless it's a fake "huh" chuckle. so that was nice. i should have gone to jay and silent bob strike back, because i only enjoy kevin smith movies when i'm watching them by myself. come to think of it, i really only enjoy most movies if i'm watching them by myself. i'm a very solitary person.

so i was very proud of myself for overcoming my bashfulness. i even sang on the drive home, which i hadn't done all day and i loooove to sing in the car. it's a release. then i get home and my mom wakes up and we start talking about how it was terrible for her and made her sick to her stomach the way i just left and was rude. so i told her that she was the one who said that she wanted to keep her kids out of it, and she said that i said that i wanted to be involved. then i reminded her of the deal we made at sb: it was her deal, i would stay out of it. and she said the reason she brought stuart over was so we would get past this awkward stage and i said the only way stuart affects me is how he affects my mom and she was very disappointed with this so i told her we would discuss it when we were both more awake. but really, there's nothing to discuss. ground rules, as set forth 2 months ago: IT'S HER DEAL! NOT MINE! I'LL STAY OUT OF IT!

this is thoroughly agitating me.

to summarize: day started out good, got bad at work, got better at home, got bad when mom came home, got better when i left, got great when i saw the movie until i realized what a phony i am (i hate that holden wouldn't like me), and got worse when i came home. so now i'm still at the worst plateau and i'm just going to sleep it off. and i've promised myself i'm not going to smoke at least until this weekend in seattle, cause joanna's got concert tickets and concerts are always more fun when you 'have allergies.'p

joanna, by the way, no pressure or anything but i'm seriously holding onto this weekend as the only way to save my horrible august.

I wish I was one of those people who used the word "fuck" perfectly instead of overusing it or underusing it. It always sounds awkward when I use it, though. I think it's because I don't commit to it enough. I have to contemplate whether or not it's appropriate, and I just need to go for it. Come to think of it, I don't commit to enough things. That's for another time, though. It's been a thought-provoking day.

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.