i'm in an annoyed, pissy, apathetic mood. i'd be upset but i'm not...yay apathy. i'm realizing that there are a lot of people in my life who think i care about them but i don't. the thing i miss about madeira is being so utterly self-confident, borderling egotistical, and just being myself and that being alright. i kind of have that here, but i put on an act for a lot of people. sometimes it's fun, but mostly i'd like to tell people exactly what's on my mind and not just half of what i'm thinking. i also miss being able to just have that connection. with cary, namita, and jj, it was like i hadn't left. with esp, things are rarely forced. with katie, it seems like the relationship is forced and i'm annoyed with her more than i'm appreciative of her. it's envy to a certain extent, but i don't know what of. the relationship is too competitive. i always feel like i'm hiding something or acting a certain way and instead of just reacting to myself, i'm reacting to her.
*
my nails looks really nice today
*
i'm having a hard time making the most of life because, goddammit, life is bout fun and if there's no fun, there's no point. a phase? probably. i really want to go to ucsd and i want jj to go to pepperdine and i want cary to go to usc and i want to bring my car down to ucsd and then i can go visit on the weekends and it'll be fun. college had better be fun. i think it'd be fun to ignore college for a year and get a job and move to london for a year. but i'm 17 and you have to be 18 to do anything. so maybe i'll do college for a semester.