i feel like i've been repressing something subconsciously and that may be a result of katie's not wanting me to be grumpy around her. i know that's not fair, that's not what she wants, but it's all or nothing. i've been so so so tired. and i have to take a nap now or work will suck. i want to try not talking about my problems to anyone instead of to everyone and see if that puts me in a faker good mood easier. i feel like i have to be in a good mood. i hate feeling like someone else in influencing how i should be feeling. i hate having to feel a certain way. hostessing is definitely not the job for me. and i've had headaches for days. literally. for the past 2 weeks around this time to 10pm. just like last year... anyway, back to not talking about my problems. if everyone knows my excuse for being in a bad mood, i have even more of an excuse because they'll expect it. if i keep to myself just a tad more it'll be harder to be pissy and then maybe i'll be happy. i think im' in a submissive period of my life. my days are clouded...seriously, like, a cloud is around my eyes. that's how i feel. everyone in VA has mono. well, 3 people did. and i have huge lymph nodes. and all i want to do is sleep and sleep (well, that's not really new). i want to find someone to be mad at. i like that i pick fights with people. i don't think people really understand how i totally like myself, i just act like i'm insecure for attention. i even like that about myself. really, i'm a great person. not a good person great person, an interesting person.
at least my self esteem isn't suffering.