13 January 2011 at 3:10 pm
I feel awful, nervous and anxious, flooded with sad memories and unhappy endings, just seeing the absolute worst in everyone and everything and refusing to participate as a result.
I feel attacked and judged and scared that every decision I make is the absolute worst, that everything I say is misunderstood and unappreciated.
"Can we talk tonight?"
It hit me in the gut: he's going to break up with me tonight.
Because I said that I don't like dinner parties on a day when I didn't like anything, or because I have anxiety when socializing with multiple people.
Or because I agree to do things before I think about whether I actually want to do them.
Or because I'm crazy and he can't help me.
I texted him that that's what I thought he wanted to talk about, breaking up with me, and he hasn't texted back, and I've spent the last three hours sitting at my desk staring at my split ends, thinking of all the reasons it's okay if we break up, all the disingenuous little thoughts you have when you're trying not to have a complete mental breakdown as a result of being tossed into the reject pile:
Everything's going to be all right.
It's for the best.
There's someone better out there.
He's not the guy for me.
But even if all that's true, it's not okay that I'm not the girl for him.
mod l post-mod
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.