09 April 2010 at 2:48 pm
ou know as well as I do, people don't change. We just learn how to act around each other.
Which brings me to last night: the boy's and my one year anniversary.
I've had a hell of a week, with the new job, all the old jobs, and trying to live my life on top of that ... I'm super stressed and exhausted.
Initially, the plan was for him to come over at 7, I'd make dinner, we'd watch a movie, sex, whatever, the usual. I didn't want anything more than that.
So we stick with that. I say I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to pull dinner together, but I can definitely do a dessert, but we just decide he'll come over at 7 and we'll go from there. I manage to whip up some cocktails (2 parts Maker's, 1/2 part maple syrup, and 1/2 part lemon juice = yum) make some bruschetta and strawberry and dumplings, which is enough, and I got him a card and wrote a silly little poem on it, and then I got him tickets to see David Sedaris on May 3, but that's a surprise (I just said I was taking him out on a surprise date and to get that night off work).
So, I mean, I know that my "nothing" is "something" to other people, but it's not like this stuff took much effort. It's just how I live my life that I'm able to provide these sorts of things easily for the people I love.
Now, prior to this, I had made it clear I wasn't going to be up for much and we didn't need to make that big of a deal about it. I probably even said we didn't need to do gifts or anything, but, you know, I thought he had read enough of the Boyfriend Manual to know that he should bring some fucking flowers or SOMETHING acknowledging the night.
But he did nothing.
Well, he drove.
I let the night go by as planned, we eat the bruschetta, sex, go rent The Fantastic Mr Fox (which I rent because I have coupons for free rentals, not a big deal) (which I also HIGHLY recommend; Wes Anderson is a truly gifted filmmaker, but we all know this already), get back to his new place, eat dessert, watch the movie (I fall asleep as always), and he carries me to bed. In his new place, you can hear everything going on at his neighbor's place and I know I won't be able to sleep, so he drives me home. I'm tired, grumpy, and getting pissed when I think about the night and realize that he did nothing.
So I tell him as he drops me off: "You did nothing for our anniversary. I'm going to be mad about that for a few days." And he just kind of nods, and I go inside.
I woke up this morning, and I'm not mad. I'm just really disappointed, because the whole night is kind of like our whole relationship: we do whatever I want to do, and he doesn't care what that is as long as there's sex involved. That's great for awhile, but you know, a year is a long time, and anything after a year is a firm commitment for more years to come, and this is NOT the relationship I want for the rest of my life.
But it's the relationship I want right now.
So I'm trying to live in the present, not the future, but I guess I feel the need to tell him that I don't see our relationship progressing past where it's already at. There's no reason to verbalize it, I guess, until the issue arises.
And the whole thing is making me totally sad today because it's just a firm realization that I'm not done dating yet. There's an excitement to that, yes, but it's hard to be excited about the loneliness that comes with realizing that 99.9% of people are awful, and the .01% of people I can stand are going to find a way to inadvertently disappoint me.
Any pearls of wisdom from my peer in emotional fuckwittage?"
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