Ode to Joanna
02 September 2009 at 4:28 pm
I really prefer my friendships to be of the variety that don't suffer as a result of distance, eons between communications, and the inevitable personal evolution. I'm grateful to be able to think of a handful of true friendships such as these off the top of my head, but this is a little ode to Joanna.
We first met in 6th grade in Mrs. Longnecker's class, both of us too smart for our own good, her full of braces and the kind of gigantic glasses kids wear ironically these days, me an adorable tomboy, right when it wasn't cool to be adorable or a tomboy. Both of us were insanely shy, and I couldn't tell you how we happened upon each other (although she probably could), but we've been friends since. Our families went on vacation together; she visited me at boarding school; I stayed with her mom when I first moved to Seattle, before we got our own apartment together.
We're just different enough to appreciate the few things we have in common (which includes our privileged backgrounds, our affinity for a nothing conversation under a clear night sky, and our unique approach to boys--don't need 'em, rarely want 'em, love to overanalyze 'em).
She's almost always right there when I need her, calling my parents when I'm fucking up, calling from overseas when I need to feel needed, calling me out on my bullshit. That's what I needed yesterday:
I was making some raw almond butter (Joanna: "Oh, please") ... with 71% Valhrona chocolate ... and a bit of coconut oil ... and honey ... to be blended with frozen bananas to make nut butter/banana ice "cream" ... holy shit ... when we got to talking about our respective boys. I don't know why I'm able to tell Joanna what I didn't know I was thinking, but there are some people who are able to bring out your true self, even over gchat.
me: The thing about the boy is, itís like he gets so into the role of playing the boyfriend and he gets kind a cutesy and, like, trying really hard to please. But heís totally fine, normal, communicative, friendly around other people. Sometimes I take him out and heís more of an accessory boyfriend, because heís really shy. Like, Iím hanging out with my friends and kind of, like, ignoring him? But not on purpose. We were sitting at a bar and had our arms linked and I was turned away from him talking to my friend while he was watching the barís TV, and I thought, "Heís like a purse."
So, ok, we donít go out with my friends. Thatís totally fine. Weíll just hang out just the two of us, great! Except, heís not himself when heís around me. What do I do? This guyís feelings for me are getting in the way of my feelings for him.
It's very, like, he fits into this little slice in the pie of Morgan's Needs, but that doesn't evoke an emotional response from me, but neither does anything else, really. And I donít really know what Iím doing for him.
Joanna: Heís too into you. End it. Dude, you need someone who can compete with you, not someone you can dominate. If youíre happier with someone, keep them around. If youíre happier without them, lose Ďem.
me: I guess it's impossible to know, though. How do I know if I'd be happier one way or the other? We donít get the benefit of two outcomes for one decision.
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