You know what the problem in that relationship was? Even though it sounds like we were doing these fun things all the time -- and we were, moving to San Francisco just for the hell of it at is turns out, horseback riding on the beach every month -- we were only doing them to say we'd done them. I can't blame Aaron for that entirely; that's what I used to do too. Maybe that's why people like me -- I'm always up for anything, just to say that I've done it. I think that makes me really superficial and ultimately uninteresting, which is why I have such low self-esteem but seem to have high confidence (self-esteem being something that comes from within and confidence being something someone else experiences). There is no emotion involved, no sense of happiness, just awkwardness, but I like to do things and tell people about them. It's a hollow life, and I feel like it makes me a bit of a sociopath. Anyway, I'm starting to figure out how to actually enjoy the process of having fun. I'm not gonna lie, the drinking and drugs are helping quite a bit.
It occurred to me to be grateful when people are surprised that I can't remember some of the things that happened last night because I was acting not so fucked up. Then it occurred that maybe I just act like a fuck-up all the time. I made myself feel better by remembering what a great fucking time I had.
"I'm so happy for you!" Esp squealed when I told her about how hobbling around San Francisco with a possibly broken foot (courtesy of a drunken escape-related run in platforms -- I run in heels on a weekly basis -- that ended in a truly majestic fall) from 8am to 2am having been up since 10am the day before resulted in a raging pub crawl with some hilarious people. "You're such a dedicated party girl. I'm strangely proud of you!" "Get yours, girl!" she did not add, but I think she should have. I'm 24 and I'm being 24. That's kind of new.
Capricorns supposedly start off life really old and get younger. I think I may have hit the balance point from my death maturity to my birth maturity. The stars have aligned and life will never be better than it is right now. And I'm actually experiencing the current from the moment's perspective, that being another new sensation, not thinking about how the past brought me there or capturing a memory knowing I will want to address it in the future but just being right there, right then, with absolute liberation from stigma. I'm not gonna lie, the drinking and the drugs are helping quite a bit.
Capricorns are also fiercely loyal.
If people like Esp and Geo and Sarah Legg want to be my friend, get excited and make plans around hanging out with me, I must be pretty spectacular, because they all amaze me with their own particular brands of awesome. I love that all of them, like, me are almost always up for anything. Who else will go running through the sprinklers at 3am in a public park with you? Who else will drive you to L.A. to drop off your dog at the airport and then get drunk with you to distract you from the pain? Who else would suggest leaving for a road trip to San Francisco at 2am? Who would you have screaming playfights with just to blow off some steam? Who would match you shot for shot and dare for dare? Who would derive supreme pleasure from telling the story of when you throw up in the back of someone's car?
There are certain people whom I like because they like me. These are people I love because they are remarkable. Artists and adventurers, writers and wanderers, dreamers and
Can you see where I'm going with this backdoor bragging, this severe conceit, that these girls are me, that I can describe myself through their best qualities? Which is my worst quality; I am remarkably self-absorbed, but I am also hyper aware.
"What are you gonna do next?" I once wanted someone to ask me, but only when I could say in return, "Whatever the fuck I want." And that's exactly what I'm doing.