Fuck Forever
16 May 2008 at 3:48 am

Some days I just want to be ridiculous, but for the most part, could you just tell me my hair looks fabulous and leave it at that? Thanks.

I found a ridiculous deal for flights to San Francisco from Santa Barbara: $180! That's crazy cheap! So I did what I've been doing lately when I find something that I like: I bought two. I will be in San Francisco savoring the sweet melodies of one Zooey Deschanel at Oysterfest on Sunday; next weekend, I will be merely enjoying a leisurely weekend away from home.

Home. What a concept. Home is where I get to be myself all the time, no matter how crazy I'm feeling, and my roommates have rightfully taken that away from me (no one needs to experience Flashdance-in-granny-panties Morgan in the flesh or otherwise). The only place I'm really home is when I'm in my car, but I'm awesome and have a 10 minute commute to any of my jobs. Oh, how I do savor those 10 minutes, the windows down, my hair everywhere, Babyshambles or Belle and Sebastian or She and Him or, if I'm feeling really nostalgic, Weezer just blaring from my car's at-one-point-state-of-the-art-but-that-was-long-ago stereo. Then I'm singing and screaming, then I'm wiggling and winking, then I'm laughing and languishing in my pure solitude, until I realize that I did not, in fact, spring for tinted windows (not that it would matter, the windows being down at all times regardless of the weather, and not that it would matter, being that the car was free and I sprung for nothing so much as a signature and insurance and registration since then), and the person stopped next to me at the forever light that is Fairview and Calle Real IS TOTALLY LAUGHING AT ME. And I'm just being Morgan! If this town weren't so small, I wouldn't mind at all, but I will run into this person again, and I will be Hey It's That Girl, just like every other person I see is Hey It's That Guy.

I've trained myself to keep my mouth shut, to maintain a certain level of composure, but after a day like today I realize that I will never be truly happy unless I am sacrificing something for somebody else. Today, that is law school, for a year, if I even get accepted, so my brother can graduate from school debt-free as I did. I'll go ahead and relish in that selflessness and it'll be just like when I left boarding school (something that was as much my choice as it wasn't), something I can hold against The Family, something they will always owe me.

I missed a connection there, but it's alright. I am hideously fortunate in this life that I lead, and that is as much perspective as anything else. So here is what I need: could somebody remind me what it feels like to feel? Thanks.

0 comments

mod l post-mod

|

New
Old
Profile
Notes
Extras
Contact
Image
Host
Trackback

About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.