I'm getting ready to visit my dad in a few short weeks. This means that I am starving myself, working out nihilistically (omg i swear that makes sense), and alternating between the memories of how he ruined my life and how he's pretty much the only person who understands me (ok, all of that except the starving myself and working out part, because it turns out that I'm fucking on fire with the boys this month and they could give two shits what my belly is or is not doing).
He (my dad) really is my biggest fan, and save for that fact that his favorite hobby is pointing out how Fat I Am, I can do no wrong in his eyes. Except when I was in school and didn't ace my classes: "There's no reason you shouldn't be getting all A's," he would say. "Except for the fact that I'm working three jobs while taking a full course load," I would respond. "There's that." I wouldn't say, "And I wouldn't have to work this hard if you hadn't been an alcoholic who is now tens of thousands of dollars in debt and unemployed." ["...in GREENLAND?!"] He still thinks he has my respect; I let him think that. It's all I can give him.
I remember telling a story when he was in town, back when Aaron and I were still together and I was being treated to gourmet meals at Bacara just for being born, about how I got back at my former employers for treating me like shit. When the entire office went on an all-expenses paid trip to New York that I was in charge of organizing and I was left behind ("We need someone we can trust to answer the phones," meaning, "I get off on this sort of power play"), I wore my pajamas into the office, completely with slippers, brought the dog, and smoked at my desk all day. This story delights my father so much, he makes me retell it to everyone he introduces me to and giggles like a schoolgirl at the end, motioning towards me as if to say, "That's my daughter, and I couldn't be prouder."
It's going to be a good trip, just a four-day weekend. It'll be my first time in Portland, except for that one time I got lost while moving to Seattle, and I'll get to see Michelle. What I'm really excited about is having a glass of wine with Karen. I can really tell her absolutely anything, and I'm sure it will all come spilling out once we're alone. I can't wait.