Wow, rereading all these makes me realize that he really ought to have had a better sense of me from the beginning. It makes what eventually happenedso much more painful, since, save for the fact that I blatantly lied about having a boyfriend (which, he totally did, too), I was more honest about my life and myself than I have been in a long time, especially in regards to how batshit crazy I am willing to be for just the right person.
7/17 Johnny to Morgan
I must say, I am intrigued to know why you would take this chance on me. Things that sound too good to be true usually are. Bearing in mind that the 90% of the time that we have spent together, I didn't think I was doing very well. And if I was, why the fuck didn't you kiss me earlier!
And then I start to freak out ("THIS is when she starts to freak out??"), justify, invalidate, reconsider, and otherwise drive myself to the edge of reason, just to the left of sanity, right across from common sense. It's a nice place to visit, but the weather was a overcast, and I would probably fly next time: the traffic was horrendous.
7/17 Morgan to Johnny
I am really, really starting to think about what is horribly wrong with this. You aren't a con artist, are you? You aren't writing this from a mental institution? You don't have a wife and three kids and just want a fling with an American girl (why doesn't he have a computer at home, I wonder)? You aren't a figment of my imagination? You're not misrepresenting yourself in any way? This isn't all just some sadistic joke? If so, I hope you got the shit beat out of you today.
Why would I take this chance? Why wouldn't I? Why would you? It's exciting, it's new, it's making me as completely insane and compulsive as I was when I was young(er) , it's ...there was some sort of a connection that, at this point, I don't think is mere infatuation or fantasy or rebound-related, and if it is, I don't care. It's some sort of string of coincidences that makes too much sense to ignore (I'm not supposed to be in Santa Barbara anymore, I was set to move to Chicago months ago but decided to stay against my better judgment, I wasn't supposed to be in Vegas that weekend or at all for that matter, we were supposed to go two weeks later but had to change last minute, I wasn't supposed to be standing in front of that casino, I wasn't supposed to ditch my friends, and I definitely was never supposed to email you just as you weren't supposed to respond. I wouldn't have chatted with you so long (I'd been up for 24 hours at that point and had been drinking steadily for 15) if I wasn't thoroughly charmed. Why didn't I kiss you earlier? A thousand reasons, but mostly because I knew you were going to kiss me sooner or later and it was fun to see you squirm.