The End of the Beginning, Part Eleven
06 September 2007 at 2:22 pm

This is the part where it starts to get a little unreal. Actually, no, this is the part where it gets too real...inane truth of reality. Whereas up to this point I was perfectly satisfied with the fantasy, the reality of actually seeing him again caused me, and everyone else in my life, to go a bit mad. Everyone from my mother to my very best friends to friends I hadn't spoken with in years was telling me to go for it, and all doubts I had -- this is a rebound thing, this is a sexual thing, this is a hilarious misunderstanding -- were quickly dashed by my insatiable desire for an adventure and everyone else's unadulterated excitement to live vicariously through me. Really, the only person to take a step back and ask me what the hell I was doing was San Francisco Sam.

7/17 Johnny to Morgan
The only thought that enabled me to walk away from you was that I would see you again. I am a realistic person and have thought about many scenario's that may or may not pan out. Do I make this lady fly half way across the world and then not be what she wants? Do I fly over to her and then turn out to be not what she wants? Do we meet in a neutral location so as to not intimidate one another with other influences on our lives? e.g. friends and family. All I do is confuse myself. And my attempts to numb my thoughts have just made it harder.

And what happens if we still feel the same after a week or two. I have too many people relying on me to not return. But could I walk away from you twice? Do I want to put myself through this? Still I don't beleive that I will not see you again.

I have never felt like this before about anyone. All previous relationships have blossomed out of sexual desire ( without wishing to sound too lad-ish). With you, my feelings are as strong mentally as physically. I haven't kissed a girl like that since I was a teenager. I do not want to give you the wrong impression about me. I don't go around, telling everyone my thoughts. In fact, i'm quite the opposite. The old English "stiff upper lip", you might say.

Johnny.X

7/17 Morgan to Johnny
Tell me why, again, I'm emotionally involved with someone I don't know at all? Fuck it. If there's a chance, I'll take it. If this was all, as my mum put it, a hoax, then at least I'm going to get a great story out of it.

I have had many difficult experiences in my life. Earlier today, I sent you an email expressing thoughts no one else is privy to--that was hard. A few minutes ago, I, as promised, further set in motion the plans to change my life completely. I don't want to talk about it ever again, as it was the hardest thing I've had to do up to this point, and that includes...a lot of stuff I really have no desire to discuss via email (I'm so overdramatic, everyone has problems and mine aren't worse than anyone else's, except for the fact that they happen to me), and now it's done. Tears were shed, words were had, and it's just...done.

You did not honor my request, sir, to talk me out of irrational thoughts. Don't romanticize me with potential if there's not honestly a chance.

Morgan

I'm trying to save the epiphanies for when I'm done telling this story, because I still haven't made sense of everything, and the process of breaking up with Aaron deserves an entry of its own, but one of the hardest parts about all this is that Aaron was my best friend, my confidant, the only person who knew how to keep me sane and help me make the best decisions for myself, and he could and can never know about this (which is why this is locked). Though I was constantly surrounded by friends and talking with family members, if Aaron didn't know about it, it's like it wasn't happening, like it wasn't real, and that somehow made it easier to keep going. It's sort of like if I didn't write about it, it didn't happen; through the course of our five-year relationship, if Aaron didn't know about it, it didn't actually happen. Like the whole Derrick situation...the guy I made out with in Seattle during the month when Aaron and I were broken up, before Suzy killed herself, after I found out that he cheated one me...Aaron never knew about that, so I got to pretend it never happened. (Strangely, Derrick and I still keep in touch. And this isn't the Derrick who told me that if Aaron and I ever broke up he would, and I quote, "have the diligence to pursue me until [I am] his." He doesn't know that we broke up, first of all, and also, he found Jesus in rehab. It's the other Derrick, spelled the same stupid way.)

0 comments

mod l post-mod

|

New
Old
Profile
Notes
Extras
Contact
Image
Host
Trackback

About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.