At this point, I was experiencing a physical reaction upon receipt of his emails, sleeping three hours a night, and surviving on less than 500 calories a day while maintaining my ridiculous work schedule. Essentially, I was going fucking crazy with exhaustion, starvation, and filling that void with obsessive fantasy. I was quickly losing any concept of day-to-day reality and almost literally sleptwalk through the days and nights. Try as I might, it was impossible to completely disregard everything he was writing to me.
7/11 Morgan to Johnny
Before we continue, there are three things you need to know about me: I'm terrified of spiders, but not very much else. I'm fiercely loyal. And I'm an extreme romantic, hidden deep below the scars that come as a result of being so. All of this relates in one way or another with my extreme fear of abandonment. Lovely! Basically, I'm a very typical Capricorn, if you believe in that stuff, which I don't, unless it's convenient, in which case I do.
Christ, the sun is coming up. You're ruining me in the best way possible.
Morgan
7/11 Johnny to Morgan
I haven't been able to talk to anyone about things yet. Tom (best mate/solicitor) phoned me today because no one had heard from me. I nearly told him. I have been good at bottling up my feelings for some time now. Not sure he would have beleived me anyway. He has known me since I was 4 and I have never been like this.
Not that keen on spiders myself by the way. I can tell you are quite a moralistic girl and that goes hand in hand with idealistic romance in my experience. The qualities you talk of are not making it any easier for me to be thousands of miles away from you. I am getting concerned that you are even more what I have been looking for than I imagined.
Poland is probably a good idea. I plan on getting absolutely obliterated. It would be nice to have 2 minutes without thinking about you!!! Haven't managed that yet. (with the greatest respect, of course)
Johnny. X
There's being private, and then there's being emotionally unavailable, and then there's becoming embroiled in a situation you're ashamed of. While I was telling everyone I knew about this in the hopes that they would talk some sense into me, his decision to keep this particular part of his life private was, in hindsight, a huge red flag.