As Time Goes By
25 May 2005 at 3:33 pm

The thing of it is, I can't make excuses for anyone anymore. I can't allow myself to say, "He's too young," or, "He's had a hard past," because there comes a point when you have to get over that shit, and that point is now. Just Deal with it, I used to tell my best friend at boarding school, and she signed my yearbook, "Thanks for teaching me how to deal with it," and I had no idea what that meant because I would tell other people to do it without doing it myself.

Just Deal with it, Deal with it one thing at a time, make a list and do one of them and check it off (sweet relief), do another thing and check it off, smoke a cigarette as a reward, Deal with the minutiae of life, the things that won't matter ten years or an hour from now but will keep sanity one step ahead of the inverse.

What do I Have to do today, what are the few things that must be accomplished: I Have to go to work (do I?), I Have to eat something (do I?), I Have to write this paper (do I?), I Have to get to sleep before midnight if I want to do the things I Have to do tomorrow and that afterthought -- do I really, Have to? That's what prevents me from actually accomplishing something, whether or not I do anything.

Today, I Had to get through one row of files. I Had to ask Courtney about the internship in Santa Barbara. I Had to check my email to see if McSweeney's had assigned me my next project. I Had to drink three bottles of water before lunch. I Had to research a book and prepare notes for my in-class essay tonight. I Had to drink that coffee if I would going to do anything else.

As one person breaks down over less tedious obligations, I wonder: when's it my turn?

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.