Escapism
15 September 2004 at 4:06 pm

My English teacher speaks in upSPEAK? The good students in class follow his examPLE? So when they want to make a point they say it like, "It seems like the majority of Kate Chopin's work featured woman getting a new chance at life and then dyING?" As though there is any question to predominant theEMES? I don't say anything during class to avoid breaking the cyCLE? Because it seems like people really appreciate direcTION? And I am clearly lost.

I can play music in my head. I can actually hear every chord as though a record were playing. I don't know if anyone else can do this quite like I can because I've never asked anyone. It requires a lot of concentration to pretend that I'm actually listening to music rather than counting the number of Skittles in a funpack so I get lost in trying to hear the song. The strange thing of it is, I don't get to choose the songs I'm listening to. The first time I realized I could do this, Michael Jackson's "Beat it" popped into my head, as though my eardrums feature a special little radio receptor. I thought I just heard the club downstairs playing a Postal Service song but the club isn't even open yet and the only other sound is pompous assholes placating rich people and printers breaking. It was all in my head.

I'm never going to find whatever it is I've been searching for for the past eight years because I'm not sure if I'm searching for something or running from everything but the truth of the matter is I like starting anew and it's a pattern in and of itself because once I arrive at a place I'll spend a few weeks or a few months being sad and lonely and then I'll be busy all of a sudden and I'll talk a lot about how busy I am and then I'll be bored for a long time and then I'll move again and I'm not sure quite how to break this habit because I exist only for tomorrow but tomorrow doesn't exist unless there's something to do.

And then there's the conversations I have with myself and the people around me in my head and when I'm actually surrounded by the people I'm having these fictitious conversations with I literally have to bite my tongue to keep from responding to the unspoken.

When I drop food on the floor, I throw it away not because I want to but because it's the thing to do.

I used to eat my Froot Loops by color. I would pick up a large spoonful, count each color, and begin with the color that had the majority of the spoonful. I repeated the process when one color was done.

Joanna and I used to spend a lot of time in the backyard of her mansion staring at stars. "Isn't this liberating?" she would gush in the words of a 13-year-old. I would respond, "I feel like I'm trapped."

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.