I'm feeling very sad these days, to the point where I don't feel like I have the energy to document the sadness.
I am sad that I am settling for a worthless, ridiculous job but I don't know how to make it better.
I am sad that my dog digs through the garbage and has blood in his poo as a result.
I am sad that my boyfriend gets to be on Zoloft and I don't.
I am sad that things like Zoloft aren't all they're cracked up to be.
I am sad that my boyfriend is something of a loser.
I am sad that I cannot keep a clean house.
I am sad that I am in so much debt.
I am sad that I can't talk to my mommy about these things because she's all about the "I told you so's."
I am sad that not everyone can handle phases like this.
I am sad that Matt Wheeler has been calling me once a week for three weeks and each time he calls I haven't the energy to talk to him.
I am sad that the last words I said to my brother were, "You're just stupid!"
I am sad that Maddie has a lot of loss going on right now and I can't genuinely tell her that it'll get better.
I am sad that I am so tired all of the time.
I am sad that I don't work out as much as I should (like, ever).
I am sad that all I've eaten for dinner for the past week is ice cream and cookies.
I am sad that I'm having dreams that are so disturbing I don't want to write about them on here or talk about them to anyone ever.
I am sad that I can't think of one thing that makes me happy.
It's kind of like, you know when you were little and you pretended you could do trances and you would pretend to put your friend into a trance and pack her limbs full of concrete and then you snapped your fingers and she came out of the trance but magically she pretended she couldn't lift up her arms because she wanted you to think you could make her think she was full of concrete? That's kind of how I feel: heavy. And confused. And confusing.
one year ago today: "and he's given up the only thing he loves more than me, for me: liquor. as if that's supposed to make me feel better." and "oray! am desirable!"
two years ago today: nothin.
three years ago today: "is it so wrong to want things to go my way? is it a mortal sin for me to put my happiness before others?"